"When my wife died and the valley of grief was thrust upon me, I looked long and hard for books on grieving written from a Christian male perspective. I wanted to know what I, as a Christian man confronted-no, overwhelmed-by grief could expect as a process. I found several excellent books about grief, but no real manual that would be like a trail for me to follow through the valley. So in writing this book, my aim is to help grieving men all I can by sharing what I believe to be common male experiences along the way." - Tom Mason

Q & A with Tom Mason

Author, Transforming the Valley of Grief

Q:  What was your main purpose in writing Transforming the Valley of Grief?

A:  When I began this book, I hoped to write something of a manual of grieving for other men to follow. Everyone experiences grief and loss differently, and I don't presume to have all the answers. When my wife died and the valley of grief was thrust upon me, I looked long and hard for books on grieving written from a Christian male perspective. I wanted to know what I, as a Christian man confronted-no, overwhelmed-by grief could expect as a process. I found several excellent books about grief, but no real manual that would be like a trail for me to follow through the valley. So in writing this book, my aim is to help grieving men all I can by sharing what I believe to be common male experiences along the way, some of which I have not seen discussed by other authors. I have included many specific, practical tips for both grieving men and those who love them and want to support them through the valley.

Q:  You compare losing your wife to liver cancer to being pummeled by a tsunami. What are some specific things than men can do to survive the first overwhelming wave of loss?

A:  This "aftermath of the tsunami" period is all about survival. All the books say, "No big changes, at least not for a year," and I agree. But making quick little changes can be a life-saver. One extremely valuable lesson I learned from grief books and my support group is this: "Be gentle to yourself." That may mean justifying the cost of hiring a maid, feeding your family frozen entrees and prepared salad and throwing out the leftovers that your wife would have found a creative way to serve again. You will likely be deluged by paperwork during this time-funeral and cemetery arrangements, insurance claims, canceling credit cards, adjusting your joint checking account, etc. At first, these tasks may seem endless, but if there is an upside to all the "aftermath" work, it is that it distracts from the otherwise constant pain of grieving in the early weeks and months. Weekends are essentially devoted to grocery shopping, laundry and straightening up the house. It's easy to begrudge all that work, but imagine the alternative, with nothing but time on your hands to dwell on your emotions.

Q:  Many of us want to be helpful and supportive to those who are going to lose or have just lost a loved one, but we don't know what to do or say. What advice would you offer for helping a man through the aftermath of loss?

A:  It takes tough love to support the grieving. It also takes a blend of sensitivity and courageous action. In the early stages, you need to be "there" without getting in the way. And when the time comes, the support team may need to step in and literally "take over" for the family of the grieving. It takes wisdom to know when and how this should happen. It takes courage to stand in the breach. When my wife Karen came home for hospice care, the ladies of our church took over. Our refrigerator was kept fully stocked with breakfast and lunch foods. Evening meals were delivered on a regular schedule. Our bathrooms and kitchen were cleaned as they had seldom been before. The men cleaned out our gutters and shoveled our walks. They even built Karen's casket. I also had one special friend who took the initiative with me to broach hard topics and urge me to consider the difficult decisions that were coming my way. "Tom," he would ask, "are you ready to accept the fact that Karen is dying? Have you made cemetery and funeral arrangements?" You never know when you will be called on to be a "Jonathan" to a grieving "David."

www.stonemason1621.blogspot.com

Transforming the Valley of Grief by Thomas O. Mason

Xulon Press   September 2009

ISBN: 978-1-60791-616-1/131 pages/softcover/$14.99