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Coming to Terms With Losses
(Originally posted January 17, 2012)
So the last seizure left me with fewer brain cells or something, but I can't focus enough to read much or write much without stopping, starting, stopping. I was afraid to write a journal entry yesterday because this is a new thing to me. Reading and writing – the two loves of my life, the two things that used to come so easily to me – are so hard now. (I've already had to make good use of the delete key just typing this much). But I've still got stuff to say, a message on my heart and love and hope to share, so I will not stop writing. And I will still read, especially my Bible, even though it may take me a whole lot longer.
I was in tears over this new development yesterday though.
Then I heard how my honesty on this site really helped a girl I know back in high school who I never would have imagined would ever even speak with me. So I believe this is the mission God has given me – to bare it all for Him so that someone else may come to know his grace.
Praise God for my Mom and Dad, who are so strong and loving and supportive. Oh, and best part of my day yesterday? Eating popcorn, which I haven't had in like a year, and Krave frozen yogurt.
Today my mom and I were talking about heaven and how we'll probably get different names and speak a different language there... It will be interesting to find out!
Two Important Thoughts in the Whirlwind of Other Emotions
(Originally posted January 20, 2012)
First, I'll just list the two thoughts that I've come to realize in the past few days, that, despite everything else, I really know Jesus was teaching me.
#1 It doesn't matter where I am (here or there – heaven) Jesus is by my side and has always been. There's no huge transition, no "I'll finally meet Jesus." Dude, I already know Him, deeply and intimately, and He knows me.
#2 So many people are coming together and supporting me in prayer. But who am I? I am just one person, one girl. I wish everyone would recognize the enormity and the power behind such a huge body of believers who have united to pray for just little 'ol me. People! If the family of God can come together over something like this, then surely I know there is power to change bigger things and move mountains. Please recognize the power that so many people coming together praying has behind it, and How God is just IN the center of that. It's amazing. I don't even really have words to express just what I'm seeing here. And I'm humbled that the focus is my health, my condition, when there are so many people with so much greater of problems.
Lastly, I love what my friend Dan said to me yesterday. (Btw, he is not a believer; I wish he was). "At least you're secure in your faith."
Whatever else, that I am.
(Originally posted January 20, 2012)
Today I'm just – tired. I don't know what to feel or think or pray. My mom and I read and talked about Job this morning, which was a good preparation for the rest of the day. I saw my friend Ashley today for the first time in more than a year, and it wasn't the happy, carefree reunion I had hoped for.
My father is really sick, too, and had to head home to Las Vegas. He can't keep anything down. I'm really worried about him and praying for him. I'm hurting because I know he runs himself ragged trying to take care of me.
On top of that, it's cloudy and my tummy has been a little upset all day. Everything is starting to make me cry.
Yet I continue to take comfort in my Father's arms and my Father's Word. When I don't know what to think or feel or pray, He does. And His Spirit makes intercession for me – so if all I can do right now is just sit with my head in the Lord's lap and sob as He strokes my hair, it's ok. He is my Abba Father and no explanation is needed.
(Originally posted January 21, 2012)
It's a rainy, grey, blustery day, but my spirits have lifted. The pastor from First Southern Baptist visited this morning, with his wife, Danielle. They prayed and talked and read the Bible with me. I was especially touched by Psalm 27.
Also, I reconnected with a new friend (Alexis) I had met her several months ago at church and lost contact with her. She came over last night and we just talked. She is the sweetest thing.
Last night I didn't feel good so I didn't take my medicine before going to bed. Mistake. Long story short, the chills/clammy, tingly, hard-to-breathe, hard-to-move thing began to happen again. I texted my mom and dad and my mom came over, gave me some medicine, rubbed my back and sang till I drifted off.
Apparently my dad was so scared he drove up from Vegas early this morning. He is starting to feel better; he can keep some food down and he went to the doctor to get medicine for the viral infection he has.
My mom is exhausted and needed a break, so they switched places and he has decided to stay in St. George while my mom goes home to Vegas for a bit.
God has used so many little things today to just cheer me and bring me peace. A lot of people have sent me messages, my cousin sent me some funny comics and it's nice to see my dad starting to feel somewhat better. I'm still super tired, but I'm not sad anymore.
Praise God – He is the lifter of my head.