"Basketball Wives" star Evelyn Lozada recently wrote a letter to her seven-year-old self, shedding light on some childhood issues that may have contributed to her own violent outbursts showcased on the reality television show.
Lozada, 36, took part in screaming matches, bottle throwing and jumping across a table in an attempt to assault her former best friend and castmate, Jennifer Williams in season four of the reality television series. After Williams, ex-wife of former NBA player Eric Williams, filed a lawsuit and petitions were made against the show and Lozada, she has began to recognize the error of her ways.
In a letter given to The Huffington Post, Lozada attempts to sort through her issues while giving advice to her seven-year-old self. In the letter, Lozada speaks about failing to provide a positive example of women on a national level.
"In exactly twenty-nine years you're going to find yourself at the middle of a mess that you unwillingly helped to create... You're going to be the topic of a discussion about women on a national level that won't be one of your proudest moments," Lozada wrote. "And as large as your life may be at that time, the truth is that you're going to feel painfully small."
The Puerto Rican reality television show star who refers to herself as "Mija" in the letter, admitted that her life has become more of a "nightmare" than she expected. Lozada spoke about some of the violence that took place in her childhood and the role models in her life.
"...You'll remember the days when you drowned out the fighting and drama in your own house and the negativity of the women you loved who ultimately shape who you will become," she wrote. "You'll recall the moments when you sat in front of the television each day after school in search of someone positive and found Oprah and wondered if people like her would ever be a part of your life, or if you'd always have the jaded ones you watched on Jerry Springer."
After appearing on "Basketball Wives" many questioned Lozada's position as a role model, including former Brooklyn prosecutor Star Jones.
"It may be 'comfortable' to be quiet when women of color slap the crap out of each other and run across tables barefoot, but #ENOUGH is ENOUGH," Jones tweeted after witnessing Lozada attempt to attack her former friend on the show by jumping across a table.
Lozada mentioned Jones in the letter, saying that she was responsible for helping her reflect on her actions.
"You'll make no excuses for your actions, as a matter of fact, you'll find yourself in tears at the Ah-ha moment Star Jones forces you to have. Beyond what you'll initially perceive as a malicious attack by Star, lives a hard truth that will shake you to your core," Lozada wrote. "YOU are the little girl, she's talking about. And it hadn't dawned on you the effects that your grown-up actions were having on the next generation of little ones who watch negative and abusive moments unfold on television."
The reality television star who is gearing up to marry NFL star Chad Ochocinco, credited a moment when her fiance's daughters were mimicking her behavior for the shift in her perspective about the behavior showcased on "Basketball Wives."
"Knowing that the self image they were imitating was the very 'image of self' you will so desperately try to escape. In utter embarrassment you'll find yourself explaining your unacceptable behavior to them, reaching for the imprint of encouragement felt by Star, Oprah, our First Lady Michelle Obama and other positive women of color that have gone before you and that are prayerfully standing behind you...encouraging you...willing you to stand in the space God will so graciously provide for you," Lozada said. "It'll be the wakeup call you need."
Although Lozada admitted that she could not change overnight, the letter ended by saying she would work to be more mindful of how her behavior would impact little girls.
"I cannot promise you perfection, Mija. I cannot say that overnight, I'm going to get it right every time," Lozada wrote. "What I will promise you is that I will always remain conscious that little eyes like yours are watching me and because of that, I will try to be better."