Scientists Searching for 'Hillary Clinton Accomplishment' Particle

Scientists Searching for 'Hillary Clinton Accomplishment' Particle

Democratic U.S. presidential candidate Hillary Clinton speaks at the Council on Foreign Relations in New York November 19, 2015. | (Photo: REUTERS/Shannon Stapleton)

A team of scientists have announced that they may be getting close to finally locating the elusive "Hillary Clinton Accomplishment" particle.

Researchers from the Whitewater Institute of Ethics held a press conference Monday in which they stated they were close to locating the mysterious microscopic substance.

"After months and months of research and data collecting, our team believes it is that much closer to finding the HCAP," explained one scientist.

"It has been a harrowing journey that was far more complicated than we originally assumed it would be, but thankfully we can see light at the end of the primary — derp! — I mean tunnel."

U.S. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton speaks with television host Ellen DeGeneres during a taping of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" in New York September 8, 2015. | (Photo: REUTERS/Lucas Jackson)

For some time now, professional scholars, armchair researchers and random people who write stuff on the Internet have struggled to find the HCAP.

In the past, large-scale searches have been conducted in the vast marshes of Arkansas and then the forests of upstate New York, both turning up nothing.

Some academes have gone as far as to deny the existence of the HCAP, pointing to its apparent absence at the macro-biological level.

Whitewater's lead researcher explained that the reason for their newly announced progress was a shift in the methods of data collection.

"A major stumbling block for months was that we were searching for a large or sizable mass of components, something that would be blatant," explained the researcher.

"Then we realize, as a particle, the HCAP is probably very small, extremely infinitesimal, and thus cannot be located by the naked eye or even most high-powered microscopes."

Another complication, he explained, came with the processing of the research's alphanumeric coding, as the computational syllable "is" kept mutating into radically different meanings.

If effectively located and harnessed, researchers believe the HCAP has the power to change the gender of the presidency and to survive several hours of grilling.

However, some warn that improper splitting of the particle may lead to a proliferation of monochromatic pantsuits and fabricated southern accents.

While thanking the hard work of his underpaid researchers and others, the lead researcher also gave credit to those who had greatly supported their work in other ways.

"None of this would have been possible were it not for a generous donation by a figure known only as I. Dente Politics!" exclaimed the scientist.

"Had it not been for their suddenly appearing funding, we would have never even seen a trace of a trace of the HCAP. Instead, we expect to find it no later than next November."



Most Popular

More Articles