The one gift your kids want more than anything this Christmas
One of the advantages of having adult children is that they start to reflect and share their perceptions of your successes and failures as a parent. Those conversations tend to be predictable in some ways – and surprising in others.
Recently, my youngest daughter mentioned that she was planning an experience for my grandson’s birthday. She said, “Mom, I learned from you and Dad that quality time is a much better gift than anything I could buy him.”
We stressed that to our kids. Sometimes out of necessity when we couldn’t afford birthday or Christmas gifts. But I had no idea it had made such an impression on my daughter.
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She reminded me of the many times we spent together – when the activity of the day was simply a way to connect, to get to know one another and to trust one another. She added, “I don’t really remember any gifts I got for my birthdays or Christmas.”
But as we talked, I learned what she did remember.
She remembered her dad taking her to the “Daddy Daughter Dance.” She remembered an impromptu road trip when she and I talked about everything from her current boyfriend to her dreams for the future. She remembered the entire family cuddled on the couch under a big blanket.
As a marriage and family therapist, I’ve heard similar sentiments from clients over the years. Some offered expressions of gratitude for the intentional presence of their parents in their lives. And others shared painful complaints that they spent much of their childhood alone, wondering why they weren’t as important to their parents as colleagues, business commitments, coffee dates with friends or even ministry.
Parents, as you’re battling the line at the mall or waiting for pictures of products to load on your screen, remember this: Your presence matters more than all the presents in the world.
What is presence?
Presence is listening more than you’re talking. It’s engaging with your words, voice, facial expressions, gestures, and physical touch. It’s celebrating successes with your child and standing by quietly as you allow him or her to fail. Presence is what your toddlers crave and what makes your teenagers cringe a bit. But it’s a stabilizing force in their lives. And it’s the first thing they look for in times of uncertainty or trauma.
Presence isn’t being in the same vicinity with your child as your attention is diverted to screens, phone calls, and other conversations. It isn’t being nearby to control every aspect of your child’s life or bark orders and commands. And it certainly isn’t clinging for dear life to a child in order to satisfy your own needs for intimacy.
Simply stated, presence is the intentional act of spending quality time with your child on a regular basis. By being present you communicate, “You are valuable to me because you are a beautiful, undeserved gift from God.”
This kind of presence is obviously important to God.
Think about it. God sent His son, and He called him Emmanuel. That name means “God with us.”
God chose to be with us. He wanted to walk with us, eat with us, talk with us, engage with us. He wanted to be present with His creation. And we’re to model that same presence with one another.
Scripture demonstrates this over and over. Jesus took Peter, James, and John with him, for example, to pray in Gethsemane and expressed sadness when they fell asleep. He said Mary had chosen what was better when she sat with Him. He shared meals and stories and journeys with people.
Given our Creator’s desire to have a presence in our lives, it’s no surprise that decades of research have verified the importance of parents showing up in the lives of their kids. Children who receive consistent love, care, and supervision are less likely to participate in high risk behaviors or exhibit mental health problems.
As we recently worked on a suicide prevention guide at Focus on the Family called Alive to Thrive, we repeatedly found that kids with involved parents and strong attachments didn’t take their lives – or even think about taking their lives – at the same rate as kids without involved parents did.
Clearly, the time you spend with your child will have payoffs that last far longer than a tangible gift or the pretty paper it was wrapped in.
Presence is God’s way. And God’s way works. His way doesn’t require parting with hard-earned money or aimlessly scrolling through Amazon. In fact, modeling Emmanuel to your kids might look more like building a fort, asking your teen about her friends, or visiting the local ice cream shop.
This Christmas, I encourage you to give your child honest conversations, warm hugs, family activities, and quality time.
And someday, when your kids are all grown up like mine, they’ll remember the gift of presence.
Joannie DeBrito is the director of parenting and youth at Focus on the Family. She leads her staff in planning, developing, and evaluating programs to equip parents to disciple and mentor their children.
