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Trusting God as an (almost) college graduate in pandemic

(Courtesy of Carissa Zaffiro )
(Courtesy of Carissa Zaffiro )

I write this from a place I fondly refer to as my “prayer room,” which is really just a small closet in a room I rent near my Midwest college campus. Tonight I find myself sitting on the ground with a growing pile of tissues at my side. I am nearly a graduated senior. Right now, this means I don’t get to spend time with my closest friends for the rest of the semester and I won’t hear my name called as I walk across the graduation stage in May. Still worse, America is in one of the greatest economic downturns in her recent history; jobs are laying off workers across the nation and the number of businesses looking to hire for entry level positions are slim to none.

Like many Christians in this world, I am a staunch “do-er” for the kingdom. I used to believe that I would be the most “useful” tool in the tool belt of Christ and be the first on any spiritual frontlines. Now I sit on the ground in my prayer closet with no idea what life looks like in May and no plans for the future. I feel hopeless.

What do you want from me?

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I ask God this angrily. I ask what he wants with my life. With my vocation. My time. I reason that my anger is both justified and rational. However, the answer I feel from my spirit immediately puts that anger to rest.

Why do you assume I want something from you?

I sit in the stillness of that question as I let it sink into my bones. As I look up, I’m faced with a picture my friend drew a couple months ago. The drawing depicts Jesus holding a girl about my size with hair of a similar length. She looks wilted and helpless in his arms. The caption reads, “I’m in this with you for the long run.”

As I squint at the cursive lines through blurry eyes, I realize that Jesus does not want anything from me right now. He only wants to be with me as I abide and live with him in these long days of social distance and fewer distractions. He actually just wants to pick me up, hold me, teach me, listen to me, and carry me to a place I can’t imagine from this small closet of my room in Midwest America.

But what does allowing Jesus to carry us realistically look like?

For those of us who thrive on making plans and casting visions, this unfortunately looks like surrendering our will to walk. I don’t get to walk across a graduation stage. I don’t get to walk into a full-time job in May and into a brand new office space.

The apostle John records Jesus saying, “Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me” (John 15:4-5, ESV).

I often think of “abiding” in Jesus as a period of waiting, listening and watching what the Lord is doing. However, the definition of “abiding” can also mean “to accept or act in accordance with.” This year is certainly not what I had planned for myself, and it is one that has challenged and disrupted thousands of people in my exact position across the globe. Although spaces should be found to lament, grieve and mourn the lost memories, time and opportunity, there also comes a moment of acceptance. After this comes our ability to act in accordance with the work that God is trying to do in us. 

Right now, I get to figure out what it looks like and means for Jesus to carry me through social isolation, spiritual stagnation, loneliness and sickness. I have to begin the careful process of understanding what it means to abide in his timing and hang on through the wilderness as he prepares, prunes and grows me into the person who will fulfill my unique vocation.

I am trusting God to carry me because I’m not sure I have the strength to carry myself. I am trusting God to carry me because his arms are the only place I can find true comfort. I am trusting God to carry me because I know the places he will put my feet on dry land will be worth the time I spent with him in the waiting. I am trusting God to carry me because accepting and acting in accordance with his timing today will bear the fruit of his kingdom tomorrow.  

Carissa Zaffiro is a senior at Taylor University where she studies cross-cultural ministries and anthropology, specifically in the MENA region. She is passionate about navigating the intersection of religion, culture and government and helping to build bridges of inclusivity and understanding in diverse communities. 

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