Online Dating: Pastor Gives 2 Theories Why Stigma Still Exist
Disclosure: Clayton Coates is on the ChristianMingle Advisory Board.
Five years ago, online dating was still considered taboo, but now online dating has become a societal norm and the Christian community is no exception. Christian singles are flocking to Christian dating sites such as ChristianMingle®.com (which just hit its 10 millionth membermark), to find a potential soul mate who shares the same faith and values. While it's rare nowadays to find a single Christian who isn't open to online dating, church leaders may be slower to adopt the evolution of what has become the dating "norm."
Pastors are all about celebrating relationships that are initiated in the traditional local church, but as I have observed, many are well behind the bell curve when it comes to online dating. I have two theories for why the stigma still exists in church leadership.
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The first is that pastors like to grow their own congregations organically. As a pastor for almost 20 years, I understand the value of creating relationships within my own congregation for growth and a strong sense of community; however, the reality is that in average sized churches, singles groups have a limited offering when it comes to other single Christians, while online dating offers a much larger pool of likeminded single Christians.
While single Christians are still able to find love within their own church, many are turning to online dating to expand their potential for meaningful and Godly relationships. Online dating makes it possible to meet your mate, whether they live in the same town or on the other side of the country. I am personally seeing many more Christian marriages today that start online. While pastors fully support the biblical principles of a Christ centered union, it's the methodology of getting there that they haven't quite embraced.
In addition to growing their own congregations, pastors feel a powerful sense of obligation to their members; to observe and mediate relationships of all sorts. However, when it comes to online dating, pastors don't have a big hand in helping to develop these relationships. I've heard many pastors say they are nervous to endorse something that's out of their control. However, it can be argued that any relationship, regardless of where it ignited, is outside of a pastor's control. We are there to provide guidance to help ensure relationships remain faithful and strong, whether a couple met at church, in a coffee shop or on the Internet, but the real work must take place within the couple and their pursuit of Jesus Christ.
I'm a firm believer that the Christian online dating experience leads to long-lasting relationships that reflect the true sovereignty and love of God, and encourage my fellow pastors to explore this resource. While tradition and technology may seem like antonyms, they're a match made in heaven when it comes to finding a compatible Christian mate. God is ever present in the act of building relationships, and to be successful, singles must keep this in mind while remaining true to their Christian values. Whether it's face-to-face or online, the values that are represented for Christians should be consistent. In turn, an enjoyable, Christian online dating experience will ensue.
Several reasons exist as to why Christian online dating can help singles find a fulfilling Christian relationship. Niche, religious dating sites, such as ChristianMingle, often offer advanced filtering to find someone who is as equally vested in the Lord. For example, ChristianMingle offers a relationship readiness IQ test and a compatibility matching profile assessment (COMPASS®) to help members focus on the process of becoming someone who can form and maintain high-quality relationships. ChristianMingle's COMPASS evaluates more than 100 personality factors to match members on a deeper level.
In addition to helping singles find the right match through filtering tools, online dating enhances the relationship by putting more emphasis on the courtship stage. Courtship is the time when couples build a healthy relationship by determining capability, establishing trust and agreeing on expectations. In my opinion, online dating helps couples move through the courtship process. It naturally emphasizes the need to focus on preliminary and long-term expectations, which helps raise red flags from the start, preventing Christians from compromising their values or getting into a relationship that's not right. Regardless, the strategic methods used by matchmaking services should never replace the ability to discern prayerful progression in a relationship.
In the Christian community, one will find all levels of acceptance of online dating, but the fact of the matter is online dating isn't going anywhere-and for good reason. In order to remain relevant and care for an entire congregation, pastors must be in sync with their singles community. In this case, that means aligning with the belief that online dating can be a successful opportunity to create long-lasting, Christ-centered relationships with glorify God. As a pastor myself, I encourage all of my colleagues to embrace Christian online dating. Though change can be difficult, there are 10 million members of ChristianMingle who are clearly open and ready for their Christian leaders to embrace online dating.
