4 simple habits to keep your marriage connected in the AI age
Artificial intelligence can write emails, summarize meetings, plan vacations, and answer questions in seconds. Every day, technology becomes more capable of anticipating our needs and capturing our attention.
Increasingly, many people are turning to AI-powered chatbots for relationship advice as well. It’s tempting to feel like access to information or sophisticated technologies with quick answers will somehow inevitably improve our relationships.
It’s essential that we resist this temptation. Technology can’t do, and never will be able to do, the one thing that every healthy marriage requires: It cannot give your spouse your full attention. It cannot replace the wisdom and connection of the relationship you have with your spouse, either.
So, if you’re in doubt, put the phone down — and turn to your spouse. Give them your attention, curiosity, appreciation and time.
Here are four simple habits that can help couples reconnect and stay connected.
1. Stay curious
One of the easiest and biggest mistakes you can make in your marriage is believing you've already figured your spouse out.
But people change. The person you married years ago is not necessarily the same person sitting across the table from you today. This is how so many couples end up drifting apart.
We don't wake up one morning and decide to become disconnected. We just get distracted!
Drift happens when two people who love each other slowly stop paying attention to each other. Couples often assume meaningful connection will happen naturally, but healthy marriages are built through small choices repeated consistently over time. As author Robert Brault once observed, “Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”
That is especially true in marriage. So, if you don’t want to drift, stay curious.
Ask questions, rather than assuming you know what’s on their mind. Seek understanding in disagreements. Stay open and sensitive to the person your spouse is becoming — not just the person they’ve been.
2. Greet each other like you mean it
Many couples spend more time greeting coworkers and strangers than they do greeting each other.
When your spouse walks into the house at the end of the day, what happens? Do you look up? Make eye contact? Smile? Offer a hug, a kiss, or a warm welcome? These moments may seem insignificant, but they’re not.
Researchers often describe small attempts to connect as “bids” for attention. A greeting is one of those bids. How we respond helps shape the emotional tone of the relationship.
Many marriages don't drift because of conflict. They drift because spouses stop noticing each other. The simple act of greeting one another reminds both people that the relationship still matters.
3. Say the good things out loud
In many marriages, appreciation is often felt but rarely expressed. We assume our spouse knows we love them. Maybe they do, but it still helps to hear it.
My wife Heather and I have developed small verbal reminders over the years. Sometimes it's as simple as, “you're my person.” Other times it's, “I'm on your team,” or “I choose you.” These short statements may not seem profound, but they reinforce safety, affection and commitment.
Words have power. Encouragement builds trust, appreciation creates warmth and consistent affirmation helps couples maintain a reservoir of goodwill that carries them through stressful seasons. Small words spoken consistently can have a lasting impact.
4. Protect time together
Perhaps the most practical habit is also the most difficult. Make time for each other. Make time to intentionally show up for each other.
Studies consistently show that quality time is less about what couples do and more about whether they are emotionally present.
That said, presence requires attention — so there are some limits on what exactly you do during shared time. Being in the same room while staring at separate screens is not connection.
Healthy couples create rhythms that help them be fully present with each other. It may be a walk after dinner, a weekly date, morning coffee together, a shared devotional or a few uninterrupted minutes at the end of the day. The details of the activity matter less than the consistency and presence over time.
Choosing what matters most
Technology will continue to evolve. AI will become more capable. Our devices will become more sophisticated. And still, the deepest needs of marriage will remain largely unchanged.
Every husband and wife wants to be known, valued, understood and chosen. As such, one of the most valuable things we can provide to our spouse is our full, undivided attention.
We can and should continue to choose and honor our spouses, every day, year over year — the old-fashioned way.
Dr. Peter Larson is the Senior Director of WinShape Marriage.
