You're toxic isn't a diagnosis — it's a bad therapy trend

By Tim Clinton and Zach Clinton, Op-ed contributor Tuesday, September 08, 2026

"You're 'toxic' is all you need to say."

There are licensed therapists who have been major proponents of cutting off families and going "no contact." Their entire profession has been built on the idea of cutting off family members for the sake of mental health. It has caught the attention of major media outlets with this line: "It's better to become an orphan than to remain a hostage."¹

This idea of family estrangement has become normalized in the therapeutic world.

A recent Wall Street Journalarticle ignited an important conversation after reporting that, among roughly 7,000 estranged parents surveyed, one-third believed their adult child's therapist had influenced or recommended cutting off the relationship.²

Whether or not that perception reflects every situation, it raises a question worth asking: "Is therapy helping families heal, or helping them separate?"

Some relationships genuinely require safe distance. Violence, sexual abuse, addiction, manipulation and ongoing emotional cruelty must be taken seriously. Victims of physical, sexual and emotional abuse should never remain in harm's way.

But today, family conflict of any kind is increasingly seen through the modern therapeutic lens as a harm that requires estrangement without repair or reconciliation.

Sometimes good parents who believed they were setting proper boundaries, loving correction or passing on time-honored traditions and conviction are now being told they are controlling, traumatic or abusive. And many adult children carry wounds their parents either didn't cause or never intended.

The problem begins when modern labels replace real relationships and tough conversations. The first response then becomes following a cultural fad, which perpetuates the problem and its narrative.

Social media has only exacerbated the divide.

Debra Fileta, a licensed professional counselor and prolific author, has observed that words matter because they can carry real clinical meaning. Yet clinical language has become the language of our culture. In today's vernacular, every disagreement is called "gaslighting." Every person with selfish tendencies becomes a "narcissist." Every uncomfortable conversation is labeled as "toxic." Every difficult relationship feels "unsafe."

But we know that not all disagreement is gaslighting, nor is selfishness automatically narcissism. Discomfort isn't trauma, and healthy boundaries aren't weapons used to control other people.³

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) defines trauma as an event, or series of events, experienced as physically or emotionally harmful or life-threatening that produces lasting effects on a person's functioning and well-being.⁴ But family conflict can leave lasting memories or emotional wounds without meeting that definition.

Good therapy protects people from harm, but it also helps clients distinguish abuse from conflict, danger from discomfort and boundaries from abusive control. Because therapists hear only one side of a decades-long family story, competent care leaves room for complexity, humility and curiosity — not certainty.

We know parents have priorities and responsibilities for the care of their children.

During a recent conversation on the "Built Different Podcast," therapist Matthias Barker made a much-needed observation: estrangement is rarely a story of one villain and one victim.⁵ Healing begins when both people are willing to examine their own contribution to the relational rupture.

The Bible offers one of its most heartbreaking pictures of family estrangement in King David and his son Absalom. Their story was marked by years of pain, silence and rebellion before Absalom led a revolt against his father. Yet David commanded his men to "deal gently" with Absalom (2 Samuel 18:15). In this tragic story, Absalom died. David desperately wished to take his place — "My son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you" — and, in his heart, David only wanted reconciliation with his estranged son.

We are reminded that when it comes to the counseling profession, God's heart always leans toward redemption, restoration and reconciliation. But this is much harder than the estrangement prescribed by bad therapy today.

We must first reflect and slow down long enough to identify the true source of the hurt. We must receive with humility a gentle rebuke and give a heartfelt apology. We must work to rebuild and restore our relationships through intentional communication over time. We must risk showing love and trust that is not always immediately returned or reciprocated. And we must repair the relationship with grace and faith that seeks to save something precious rather than throw it away.

Yes, relationships will be broken without repair, but in today's climate few have tried.

Have we exhausted the biblical approach toward a healthy relationship? Tragically, in many such cases the answer is, "No."

References

1. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/07/14/health/therapy-family-estrangement.html
2. Bernstein, E. (2026, July 21). Are therapists to blame for the rise of adults cutting off their parents? The Wall Street Journal.
3. Fileta, D. (2026, March). Commonly misused therapy terms [Instagram carousel]. https://www.instagram.com/reels/DXE30S6Cts3/.
4. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2026). Trauma and violence: What is trauma and its effects?
5. Clinton, Z. (Host). (2026, March 3). Understanding estrangement: Finding peace even if reconciliation feels impossible with Matthias Barker, Ep. 291. The Built Different Podcast.