What is Your Season of Discontent?
"Is the test Friday?"
"Can I turn this in?"
"Are the Starters getting graded?"
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"It's past the 10/10. I need to go to the bathroom" Nothing unusual. "Ms. Kincaid, do you have kids?"
Without hesitation, I respond, "Yes! 138 every day and I'll have more next year."
That statement gets a small chuckle from a few that have heard her question and is my attempt to divert their attention back to what I have planned – learning.
"No! Real kids; your own?"
She is not the first to ask about my life beyond the walls of our high school, nor, I suspect, will she be the last. Students are curious and they want to know who you are when you are not being their teacher. It gives them an emotional connection, making you a real person. So, answering is no big deal, because to a 15-year-old, they are just learning.
"No. I don't." Hoping that answer satisfies her, but alas, it does not and she proceeds to politely interrogate me...Now, with the full attention of the rest of the class.
"Don't you want kids?"
"Yes. I would have liked to have had children."
"So, you're not married either?" Her bright eyes and bubbly smile that is always on her face does not fade as she continues to question.
Realizing not answering will only spark more questions in their minds and whispered conversations. She is not rude or mocking and just wants to know my story. Three minutes of distraction will not cause total collapse of the education process, so again, I answer.
"No. I'm not married."
With eagerness and the naiveté of youth, she continues, "Don't you want to be married...or has that never happened for you?"
My smile is sheepish as I begin to feel a little pinned down, yet I reply, "Unfortunately, that has not happened for me."
Those words barely leave my lips when she exclaims, "Oh! How sad!"
My physical and emotional heart, flip-flops. Her words are innocent, yet they still produce a sting that is not unfamiliar. Gladly, I am rescued. A boy across the aisle from her barks out after her last remark and growls, "Hush! You're being rude!"
Conversation over. She asks no more questions and we proceed with the Colonial Age.
And you learn to roll with it.
But...BUT – what about those days when rolling with it is the last thing you want to do? When the 'that has never happened for you?' or the 'Oh! How sad!' is written on people's faces and flutters of anxiety fill your chest, and you know they are wondering what is wrong with you, because you wonder what is wrong with you, too?
Oh, the season of discontent...Not every day...Not every aspect of life.
Work is great.
Book is published.
The number on the scale is getting smaller.
Student loans are decreasing.
Heart is beating.
Yet, there is discontent...
Do I want your pity or sympathy? No more than I want sidelong glances or comments shielded by hands. I do not want to be reminded of my blessings and how much I have in life. And I will DEFINITELY not appreciate how comparing me with someone whose struggle is so much greater than mine will show me I should not be complaining.
Complaining? Am I complaining? When did honest become complaining? Because I am happy in so many areas of my life, is it wrong to wonder why other parts are not fulfilled? Hey! I thought we are supposed to get the desires of our heart?
Searching, I could not find discontent in scripture. Exodus and Numbers had grumbled. Proverbs and Ecclesiastes used not satisfied and throughout the New Testament it was complaining.
I do not believe discontent is any of those words; at least not completely. It should be confusion, feelings of loss and doubt, asking why.
If anyone should be 'allowed' to be discontent, it was Job. Instead of his trial ending, it persisted, he did not have supportive friends, and his wife could have been a little more understanding!
"God alone understands..." GOD ALONE UNDERSTANDS! (Job 28:33)
Seasons of discontent create times of not understanding - why something is or is not happening, why is God not answering our prayers, why are we traveling this road, what is it that we are supposed to learn?
Though it seems easy to pinpoint the cause of our discontent, we are often so filled with emotions that we cannot begin to categorize the real struggle we are facing. As much as the 'churchy' answer is not often appreciated, reminding ourselves that God alone understands does provide glimmers of hope when discontent lingers.
What is your season of discontent? Do you long for a child as Hannah did; pouring yourself out faithfully to God to fill your empty arms? Are you waiting for the waters of Bethesda to stir and you can seek healing – physically, emotionally, spiritually? Has your Prodigal turned from the God of his youth and is yet to come home? Does it feel like Samuel will never arrive to anoint you for your divine purpose? Can your losses compare with Naomi? Have you been to the threshing floor, but Boaz was not there to redeem you?
When will the season of discontent end? I do not know, but in the moments when my heart feels heaviest, I remember – God alone understands and He will allow nothing to press upon us that we cannot bear or to which He provides an escape. (I Corinthians 10:13)
