When forgiveness feels like the problem, not the solution

By George Arkhurst, Op-ed contributor Tuesday, October 13, 2026

Forgiveness is widely regarded as a virtue. Religious institutions teach it, families encourage it, and people promote it as a way to restore relationships and heal emotionally. Yet, despite its recognized value, forgiveness remains one of the hardest principles to practice.

For some, it offers freedom from resentment and the opportunity to move forward. For others, it feels like an added burden on someone who has already suffered enough.

This raises an important question: Is forgiveness a solution to our problems, or becomes the problem?

The answer may depend less on forgiveness itself than on how we understand it, how we approach it, and what we expect it to accomplish.

When the solution becomes the problem

Forgiveness is intended to heal wounds, release resentment, and, where possible, restore broken relationships. However, the very word forgiveness can become an obstacle when someone has been deeply hurt.

Consider a person who has suffered betrayal at the hands of someone they trusted. The offense may have caused emotional pain, damaged their confidence, or destroyed a relationship they valued. When someone tells that person to forgive, what do they hear? Do they hear an invitation to freedom, or a demand to disregard their pain?

The difficulty is that people tend to associate forgiveness with the offense itself. They remember what happened, how deeply they were hurt, and how unfair the experience felt. As a result, the suggestion to forgive may feel like a request to surrender their right to feel wronged.

In some cases, they may interpret forgiveness as letting the offender escape accountability. In others, they may fear that forgiving means allowing the same person to hurt them again.

Under these circumstances, forgiveness can seem like another problem rather than a solution.

When forgiveness is misunderstood, the path to healing can feel like another wound.

The burden of unforgiveness

To understand the value of forgiveness, we must also examine the consequences of holding on to an offense.

When someone hurts us, anger and disappointment are natural responses. These feelings can help us recognize a boundary violation or an injustice. The problem begins when the offense keeps occupying our minds long after the incident has passed.

We replay the conversation, revisit the humiliation, imagine what we should have said, and wonder how someone could have treated us so badly. Each recollection revives the emotions associated with the original experience.

Meanwhile, the person who caused the pain may have moved on with their life.

This creates an unfortunate situation in which the offender's actions continue to influence the injured person's emotional world. Although the original incident may be over, its effects remain present in the injured person's thoughts and reactions.

Forgiveness offers an alternative. It allows us to acknowledge the offense without continually feeding the desire for retaliation. It gives us an opportunity to redirect our attention toward healing rather than repeatedly reliving the injury.

The offense may have happened to you, but you do not have to let it occupy the rest of your life.

What does forgiveness really require?

One reason people resist forgiveness is that they misunderstand what it requires.

Does forgiving someone mean that the offense was acceptable? Does it mean forgetting what happened? Does it mean restoring the relationship to the way it was before the injury?

Not necessarily.

Forgiveness does not change the facts of the past. It doesn't make wrongdoing right, nor automatically restore trust. Trust depends on more than a decision to forgive; it also depends on the other person's willingness to change.

Similarly, forgiveness does not require reconciliation in every situation. Reconciliation involves rebuilding a relationship, which requires participation from both parties. A person can forgive without returning to an unhealthy relationship. They can release resentment without abandoning their boundaries.

These distinctions are important because people should not be pressured into situations that compromise their safety in the name of forgiveness.

The Christian perspective on forgiveness

From a Christian perspective, forgiveness is more than a practical strategy for managing difficult relationships. It is a fundamental principle of the faith.

In Matthew 6:14–15, Jesus emphasizes forgiving others. Ephesians 4:32 encourages believers to be kind, compassionate, and forgiving toward one another, following the example of God's forgiveness in Christ.

These teachings present forgiveness as essential to Christian conduct. However, they also raise a question worth careful consideration: How can people be expected to practice forgiveness when they struggle to overcome the pain others have caused?

The answer begins with understanding that forgiveness is not necessarily the same as an immediate disappearance of painful emotions. A person may sincerely decide to forgive and still need time to work through grief, disappointment, or anger.

Nor should biblical teaching on forgiveness be used to silence people who have experienced serious wrongdoing.

The Christian message calls people to reject vengeance and extend mercy, but it does not require them to pretend that evil is good or that harmful conduct should go unchallenged.

Indeed, teaching forgiveness without explaining its purpose can leave people feeling condemned for struggling with the very principle they are being encouraged to embrace.

If forgiveness is intended to bring freedom, it must be taught in a way that helps people understand that freedom rather than making them feel trapped by another obligation.

Is forgiveness always the solution?

Although forgiveness can be valuable, we must avoid presenting it as an instant remedy for every emotional wound.

Some offenses are minor and may be resolved through an honest conversation and a willingness to move forward. Others involve deep betrayal, prolonged mistreatment, or traumatic experiences that require considerable time and support to process.

In such circumstances, telling someone simply to forgive may overlook the complexity of their experience.

Forgiveness should not become a tool to protect offenders from accountability or to pressure victims to remain silent. Nor should it suggest that those who struggle to forgive are responsible for the harm they suffered.

At the same time, the difficulty of forgiveness should not cause us to dismiss its potential value.

The key distinction is between encouraging forgiveness and forcing people to act as though they no longer hurt. Genuine progress requires honesty about the injury, an understanding of what forgiveness means, and the freedom to establish appropriate boundaries.

Forgiveness can be part of the solution, but not the only solution.

Conclusion: The problem is not forgiveness, but our understanding of it

So, is forgiveness a solution or a problem?

Perhaps the better question is whether we have fully understood what forgiveness is meant to accomplish.

When we confuse forgiveness with excusing wrongdoing, surrendering justice, forgetting the past, or restoring every broken relationship, it can become an added burden for those already hurting.

But when we understand it as a way to release resentment without denying the truth of what happened, forgiveness offers a path to healing and freedom.

That process may take time, and it may require support. It may also involve making difficult decisions about relationships and boundaries. Nevertheless, forgiveness can help us move forward without allowing the past to dictate our future.