Newly Released 'Trump Bible' Vows to 'Make the Good Book Great Again'

Donald Trump
U.S. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump speaks at a rally in Columbus, Ohio, November 23, 2015. |

Republican presidential hopeful Donald J. Trump has released a new translation of the Holy Bible that he promises will make a "huuuge improvement" on the sacred text.

Officially titled "The Art of the Trump American Version of the Bible," or "Trump Bible" for short, the first copies were made available for sale exclusively at the Sharper Image.

In a press conference held under a large banner that read "Make the Good Book Great Again," Trump talked about the great quality of translation done for his Bible.

"Listen, let me say, I got a great group of guys, I mean a really great group of guys. They knew what they were doing, and they did a great job. A great job," somewhat explained The Donald.

The Holy Bible
The Holy Bible, NIV |

"And let me just point out, one of the translators was Mexican. And another one? You know what he was? Black. You know why? Because I love the blacks and I love taco bowls."

Priced at about $80 a copy, the Trump Bible is elegantly designed with a gold-plated hardcover and includes an autographed photo of Trump as a bookmark.

While largely similar to the New International and King James versions, the Trump Bible does occasionally take certain interpretative liberties with some passages.

For example, Jesus' declaration that "Ye cannot serve God and mammon" has been edited to read "You cannot serve God and mammoths."

Also, Jesus' statement that "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God" was amended to "it is harder for a camel to go up the Seattle Space Needle than for a rich man to enter Trump Towers."

The Trump Bible has gotten mixed reactions from various religious groups. Many Prosperity Preachers have already agreed to sell the book at their churches in exchange for a commission.

Shout Newpork, a spokesman for the Southern Baptist Convention, recently skimmed through the Trump Bible and tried to make the best of what he found.

"Well, at least he remembered to call it 'Second Corinthians' this time," commented Newpork as he shook his head in deep despair. "The Rapture can't come quickly enough."

A bishop in the United Methodist Church was asked for an opinion on the matter, but he feared that such an offering might lead to schism within the mainline denomination.

"It is important to note," explained the UMC bishop, "that United Methodists are not of one mind as to whether or not Donald Trump can rewrite the Bible."

Tens of thousands of copies of the Trump Bible have already been purchased and it is expected to become the best-selling translation this year.

In a related story, the percentage of evangelical Christians who are "mostly sure" that Trump is not the Antichrist has declined rapidly.


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