Is porn use grounds for divorce in a Christian marriage?

Theologians have debated for many years whether porn use within marriage is grounds for divorce, but very rarely are the questions behind that question ever addressed. From my experience, unless you're at the Master's Conference or the Southern Baptist Convention, if someone's asking this question, it's probably not because they're looking for a theological, intellectual answer. It's likely deeply emotionally loaded.

What she's really asking

If, for example, a betrayed spouse asks this question, she may be feeling a sense of, “Am I forever going to be married to a man that's not who I thought I married and is breaking my heart every single day?” She may be wondering, “Is God okay with my husband breaking my heart and breaking me?” She may be wrestling with the question of, “How am I the victim and the one bearing the consequences for his actions?”

She may also be wondering who God is if He allowed all of this. And what does this say about God's design for marriage if her husband is acting like this? She may also be wondering if she'll need to find a new community, a new church that doesn't judge her — whether judging for having a husband who struggles with porn addiction or judging because she can't help but find an escape, and she doesn't believe that her community or her church will be there for her in the midst of a painful journey.

For a betrayed spouse, divorce may feel like the only option for escape. And if that's off the table, oftentimes a sense of panic and combativeness sets in because there's a feeling of claustrophobia. If she has no options, but this isn't the man that she married, and she's being forced to live in a state of constant pain and constant anxiety, it can feel utterly and completely overwhelming.

What he's really asking

Now, what about the husband, or the addicted spouse, like in my case? The reason the addicted spouse is typically very invested in this question is that he may not have wanted to get into the struggle in the first place. He's able to see a version of himself that is apart from the struggle, and he's desperate for his wife to love that version of him while coming alongside him and helping with the struggle itself.

He may be feeling a sense of, “Now that it's out in the open, I can finally make progress. I can finally feel known. I can finally feel loved.” And if there's a decent chance that his wife is going to file for divorce, is there really much hope?

Because in the midst of betrayal, there's a tremendous amount of pain. There's a tremendous amount of volatility. And the desire for his wife to be a constant in their marriage can be deeply, deeply helpful in his recovery journey. He's likely begging on the inside for his wife to come alongside him in the journey — not to shame him, but to help be a support for him — because he's been struggling in this way for a long time, and he doesn't want to have to struggle.

He may be feeling a sense of, “Please just wait for me. I don't want to struggle with this either. I hate this version of myself. I married you because I love you. Will you wait for me?”

The pull in opposite directions

What's fascinating is that oftentimes if the wife is perceived to any extent to be safe by her husband, the husband may begin to finally start pulling into the marriage. Meanwhile, the wife, who is utterly devastated, will likely feel the draw toward pulling out of the marriage because there's just so much pain associated with it.

For the husband, he may even be pushing for the belief that it's not grounds for divorce, because while divorce or separation is on the table, it can prevent hope of ever having a real relationship with his wife. The reality is it is possible for a husband to have a good heart and yet still struggle.

One of the things that's fascinating is in both contexts — both the betrayed and the betrayer, both the husband and the wife — they both want safety. They both want trust. They both want to know that they can express where they're at, what they're struggling with, and be heard and not scolded, be heard but not minimized.

Playing out both answers

So, is porn use within marriage grounds for divorce? Let's play this out. If porn use is not grounds for divorce, the husband, from my experience, is not as prone to take sobriety seriously, and the wife is likely to live in perpetual pain. On the contrary, if porn use is grounds for divorce, the husband is, in essence, forced to take his recovery and the rebuilding trust process seriously, or face the consequences.

I know for myself, I didn't start taking sobriety seriously, nor the journey to rebuilding trust, until I believed that divorce was very real on the table. It was at that point that I started kicking it into high gear, and it was because my wife was patient and long-suffering that we are where we're at now.

What actually makes a marriage successful

Now, oftentimes with marriage, we think a successful marriage is one that lasts a whole lot of years — the longer, the more successful. But I would actually argue that that's not really how God sees it. Marriage is an analogy of the Gospel, which means God wants His commitment to us to be reflected in our commitment to our spouse, for sure, but that's not all of it.

I know plenty of marriages that lasted five-plus decades, and yet there was never any love, never any joy, never any essence of who God is in their marriage. Does that marriage really glorify God as much as a five- or ten-year-old marriage that is deeply committed to each other as well as to the Gospel? I don't think so.

We are not just called to reflect commitment in our relationship with our spouse, but the entirety of the Gospel. Marriage was designed by God to be an analogy for the Gospel, for Christ's pursuit of us. And what that means is we are called as husbands to pursue our wives, to sacrifice for our wives. Marriage shouldn't be about doing the bare minimum for the other person, but rather about how much you can give.

So often I'll talk to guys, and I'll ask what their relationship looks like — how often they talk, how often they eat together, how often they enjoy life together — and it's very clear that they're little more than roommates. That's not God's design for marriage. That's not God's heart for marriage, and that doesn't reflect the Gospel.

Marriage is also meant to reflect servant leadership. Just like God pursued us, husbands are called to pursue and lead their spouse — not at all in a domineering way. In scripture, servant leadership is a reflection of knowing the other person and leading in a direction to support, love, and care for and promote them. That's what we as husbands have the opportunity to do.

Forgiveness, redemption, and our story

Now, back to the question of whether porn use within marriage is grounds for divorce. There are good theologians on both sides of that question, and the reality is that God is a God of forgiveness. There is, and there will be forgiveness, even if you make the wrong decision. But God is also a God of redemption, and that's our story.

See, I fell into porn at a young age. I lied about it to my fiancée. We got married, and my wife found out about it in marriage, and our marriage fell apart. It led to us getting to the brink of divorce before I started taking it seriously, and then I walked a 10-year-long journey not only to rebuild sobriety, but also, adjacent to that, to rebuild trust with my wife.

And by God's grace and the constant long-suffering of my wife, we are now madly in love. Again, we didn't think we would make it another year. We didn't know if we would make it another month. And now we are head over heels in love with each other. That is what God is capable of doing.

I don't know what God has in store for your marriage, and I really, really, really hope that there's the opportunity for redemption. Because again, marriage is not about a paper certificate. It's about loving as Christ loved. It's about having unity like Christ longs to have with His people. It's about sacrifice, like Christ sacrificed for us. Husbands lead by example and see what happens.

Everything about being a godly husband is learnable

The sad truth is that the majority of men that I talk to can't name a single good example of a marriage that they look up to or would want to emulate. Now, how heartbreaking is that? And is it any surprise that we don't have better husbands? And yet everything about being a good, godly husband is learnable.

The reality is, I had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea that rebuilding trust doesn't just happen naturally as I gain a level of sobriety. I had no idea what it meant to love sacrificially, to serve my wife, to love my wife as she desires to be loved, to communicate well with my wife. There are so many skills that go into being a godly husband, and yet we are called to be sanctified.

We are called to grow in these areas, not only so that we can have a healthy, happy marriage, but also so that we can model to the world what a God-honoring marriage looks like — so that we can show what the Gospel is, not just for the world around us, but also for our kids, so that we can break the generational sin of being poor husbands, and instead we can reflect the gospel. We can reflect unity, sacrifice, love, care, and passion.

My friends, there are so many opportunities for marriages to go so much deeper.

Originally published at Courage Reclaimed.