So, I’ve been dumped far more than I want to count and, in my opinion, far more than I should have been. It is discouraging and disillusioning, mostly because I always get very close to the altar. Yet, the m-word always seems to elude me. After a break up and months of hurting and months of healing, I pick up the pieces and begin examining what went wrong.
How, when I thought everything was on the right track, was I DEAD wrong? How could moonlight dates, beachside hand-holding, meeting family and friends, mutual confiding, goal-setting, vision-casting, and more, turn into those famous last words? Such as, “We’re just not meant to be together” or “You’re too good for me” or “I’m the biggest jerk for cheating on you.”
After over 10 years, I’ve settled on a concept that will make you as uncomfortable as it did me. My sexual status is unfavorable.
You've probably heard or even committed to "The Wait," the "Pinky Promise Movement," or simply vow to remain celibate until marriage. I am one of those. Yep, that’s me. As an expression of my trust and faith in the God who created me for His purposes, I remain abstinent until I find my husband.
However, it hasn’t been easy mainly because most others in the world — Christians included, I’ve now learned — don’t live by the same vow.
After my last break-up, I began interviewing guys and girls within the 20-40 year age range. They are active church-goers and know scriptures like 1 Corinthians 6:18 that encourage us to have sex with our marriage partner alone. But, according to my research and anecdotal evidence, I’m comfortable sharing the figure that 8 out of 10 Christians that fit the aforementioned profile are indeed sexually active. So, yes, most non-religious folks are NOT celibate and also most religious and/or Christian folks are NOT celibate.
So, I’ve figured it out. I am within a minority sub-culture. Thus, here are my 8 reasons that my celibate status turns guys away.
1. I’m a tease
I can’t help it. I’m sweet, coquettish, and a little flirty. But, it never means what you think it means. I am NOT easy. Some guys love how I laugh at their jokes, stroke their egos and dance the night away in their arms. Yet, they are blithely unaware that it takes worlds more to make it into my bloomers. This never bodes well for me because when I have to stop affectionate moments from becoming super-physical, the bad guys become visibly upset by it and the nice guys erode slowly over time.
2. I’m very uncompromising
I was told by a guy who knows me well that my virginity makes me very uncompromising in most areas of life — not just sex. I’m an activist, a fist-pumping, stand-up-for-what-I-believe-in kinda girl. I don’t quit. I don’t lose. I don’t die. All I do is win! These are my daily affirmations and it makes me very difficult to contend with, especially if a guy attempts to oppose my beliefs. This characteristic can come off as more than a bit intimidating, I was told.
3. I’m off the beaten path
I’m as weird as they come. Like hippies who live only off of the land, skater dudes who build a half-pipe in their backyard, and chicks who refuse to shave their pits, I’m counter-cultural and always have been. I stand out because of my decision to be celibate and, by virtue of that choice, I do things differently which also influences the way I think about and perceive situations. For example, I once boycotted Disney throughout my middle and high school years because of their lack of vigilance about child protection.
It can be hard to read me and my reactions because I’m not like a good 95 percent of the women they meet. It’s also easy for me to read and call guys out on some of their deeper, hidden tendencies. It’s hard to hide with me.
4. There’s pressure to marry
Yep, so many guys steer clear of women like me. “She’s looking for that ring by, like, next month,” they say. I applaud men like that. The self-aware type. They know what dating a woman like me will mean. Yes, it’s true. Dating me must end up in marriage because it won’t end up in a one-night stand. There’s no intimacy or passionate sex to cool your burning passions. There’s no lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets waiting for you when you get home. There’s just a woman who seeks to love you enough to pledge her life to you, in sickness and in health.
5. I’m a crapshoot
I was actually told once that “I never asked God for a virgin.” Yep. Virgins don’t know much about the physical act of sex. True. But, virgins can end up being the best lovers. The crapshoot says…you have to wait to find out. Scary, I know. I’ve been asked many times about what I know sexually and how I can be sure if my sex life will be satisfying. The answer is, I don’t know. Part of me believes that a man wants to feel like he’s the “best you ever had.” There’s this competition that he wants to win and, in my book, there are no other competitors.
6. It’s so much more than they bargained for
I don’t think the guys who do agree to date a woman who is celibate are fully knowledgeable of the lifestyle change or lifestyle maintenance that is required. They become enamored by my spunk and charm and refreshing nature, but then figure out a year later that being with a girl who doesn’t give you sex, makes the hard days harder. Celibacy is achievable, but not easy.
7. I need to sweeten the pot
One of my guy friends who’s been married for a while told me that I need to re-evaluate what I bring to the table. Another one told me that a guy is always looking for a pretty face, a nice body, and a girl who’s in good in bed. What, I have only two out of three? That means that I have been weighed, measured, and have been found wanting. So, instead of blowing up and going on about how shallow this culture of men are and that they don’t know what a REAL woman is, I must do one thing — sweeten the pot.
For example, rather than sex, maybe it’s cooking his favorites on a weekly basis, buying him a few new pieces for his wardrobe that he’s been wanting, surprising him with tickets to Comic-Con, or working with him on the business he’s been wanting to start for years. Literally, creating no other options for him besides, “Dang, I’ve gotta marry this girl.”
8. It brings out the worst in them
This is the worst reason of all. But, I’ve seen how the lack of exposure to sex for a prolonged period of time can make a really great guy turn into your worst nightmare. I’ve seen it all. Some either a) cheat, b) distance themselves from you and start entertaining other women, c) lash out at you for no apparent reason, d) behave in a violent manner toward you, d) perform emotional or relational suicide, or e) perform some wicked act or wrong against you that forces you to leave or confront them about how the wicked act was inconsistent with their character.
Tiffani Knowles is the managing editor and founder of NEWD Magazine. Her hope is to become as "newd" as possible on a daily by embracing truth, authenticity and socio-spiritual awareness. She is bi-vocational as she is the owner of two businesses and a professor of communication at Barry University in Miami, Florida. She is also the co-author of HOLA America: Guts, Grit, Grind and Further Traits in the Successful American Immigrant and the online course series by the same name.