Married to an abuser for 30 years: What I wish my church knew
You see them regularly, talk with them, socialize with them, sit next to them at church, and they go home to a life you would not wish on anyone. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, 1 woman out of 3 and 1 man out of 6 have experienced abuse, far too many and mostly unseen.
How do I know this? Because that was my story. I have not told my story often, as it carries a lot of shame and secrets, but I do know that in revealing secrets, the shame often melts. My husband (I will call him Charlie here) would tell me the only vow he would keep in our marriage was to make my life a living Hell; and he kept this vow, and he was good at it.
I had known he had some intensity issues before we married, but he had explained those away with a smooth tongue and convincing stories of how others had wronged him. It literally never crossed my mind that he was lying — after all we were Christians. And as a “good” Christian, divorce was not an option.
Abuse is insidious
Charlie’s abuse was subtle in the beginning — harsh words, angry outbursts, but time taught him the insidious nature of abuse. He would be angry at anything and everyone, and for good measure he convinced me he would lose his job if he got arrested, so I walked a fine line.
And he walked a fine line too, because he knew exactly where to go to ensure the police wouldn't arrest him. On one of the rare times I called for help, he went into action and left the house and returned when the police arrived with his face scratched and bloody and his glasses broken — he told the police I had punched him in the face (I have not). The police said it was his word against mine, and they left.
Things are not always what they seem
The appearance outside of a home can be very different from the reality inside the home. Psychological torture will leave no bruises or broken bones and yet the damage is all too real. Charlie was charming and wonderful and helpful and kind to our neighbors, coworkers, and church people, but that was not the man I lived with.
The subtleties of abuse are confusing — I did not even know I was in an abusive relationship. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has an “abuse wheel” so you can see these subtleties of abuse.
Abuse wears you down
The real abuse was the systematic wearing down of my personhood. I was weary and so broken, and I was beginning to shrivel in other areas of my life.
If you are reading this and you know this life, I offer you the following little lights to follow.
Confidence in someone
Silence is the abuser’s secret weapon. If they can keep you quiet about it, it will continue.
I began confiding in my twin sister a little, and when I missed my performance review submission at work, she bluntly asked what was wrong, so I confided in my boss.
Some people may not believe you, but you will find the “one” who does and can experience the relief of being heard and a trusted person to confide in.
There is freedom waiting
The journey will not be easy — in fact, it will be hard, but it will also be worth it. My freedom began on October 30, 2019. I hurriedly packed my car in about 10 minutes and I drove away. I escaped after 30 years. I had no plan, but I had freedom.
It took a few years to navigate a divorce, with two full divorce trials and a weigh-in from the state’s Supreme Court, but I was granted a divorce on grounds of “cruelty” and “constructive desertion” (forced out by violence). Sometimes I read the court transcript and think how crazy it all was.
Some of you are saying God hates divorce. God also hates the actions of the abuser described in Proverbs. There are 6 things He hates, and 7 are an abomination to Him (Proverbs 6:16-20).
God has helped me rebuild my life, and while the road has been hard the journey of freedom has been worthwhile. I know God saw it all. He sees it all for you too and He is for you even when it does not feel this way.
God will sustain you. If you have escaped this life and are asking what now — let God rebuild you.
Hope
I admit I fell into despair at times — but I chose not to stay there. I share my story with you so that you might have hope in God’s great hand of deliverance.
One of the best things you can do — sounds cliché, but hear me — stay strong in the Lord. This became my pathway out — a little light here and there of hope. I would read Psalm 120 (“In my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me. Deliver me, O Lord … Too long have I had my dwelling amongst those who hate peace. I am for peace, but when I speak, they are for war!”) and felt these verses described my life.
Perhaps they describe yours too. Now I live in the freedom of Psalms 27:13 in the land of the living.
If you are in an abusive relationship, I pray you find freedom and peace, but I mostly pray God restores and heals your soul as only He can, as the great deliverer. And if you are the person walking beside someone, thank you; you are bearing another’s burdens and sharing your strength and hope along the way.
You are needed in such desperate times.
