Should we tell our children to be themselves?
This past weekend, I read a Wall Street Journal column “I Told My Son to Always Be Himself. Was I Wrong?" that caused me to reflect on our God-given parental obligation, our responsibilities to our children, as well as on my own experiences as a child.
The author, Agnes Callard, a philosophy professor at the University of Chicago, reported that she told her four-year-old son to “be yourself!” Upon reflection, she believes this is sound advice. As a professing Christian (of Baptist convictions) who happily accepts biblical truth as authoritative in my life, I disagree.
The Bible tells me that human beings, even our own precious little ones, are born with a fatal flaw called the sin nature, which manifests itself quite early in each child’s chronological development. You do not have to teach a child to be self-centered and focused on their own needs and desires.
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Do we want to teach our children to “be yourself”? The biblical answer is “No” and “Yes.” No, in that we would be giving children permission to give in to their innate self-centeredness. After all, the Bible informs us that all human beings are “by nature the children of wrath” (Eph. 2:3), and left to their own inclinations and desires will behave in selfish and socially and personally destructive ways.
This is why the Bible gives parents detailed instructions concerning how they are to raise their children by diligently teaching “the commandments, the statutes, and the judgments” of the Lord to their children (Deut 6:1-25). God’s people are commanded explicitly:
“And thou shalt teach them diligently unto they children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.” (Deut. 6:7)
The word “teach” (Heb., shanan) is literally “sharpen” as sharpening a razor by repeated friction against a razor strap, back and forth again and again. Parents should note that the first and primary place of our religious instruction is the home, not the church.
So what do we as parents teach our children? First, we should teach them that God loves them and that He has a wonderful plan for their lives. The Apostle Paul, writing to the Ephesian Church, informs them:
“For by grace are we saved through faith: and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
Not of words, lest any man should boast.
For we are his workmanship, created in Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.” (Eph. 2:9-10)
So we can tell our children that God loves them (Jn. 3:16), and that accepting Jesus as their Savior and Lord provides the ultimate remedy for the fatal flaw of original sin, and that God has a wonderful plan for their lives. In Ephesians 2:10 the Apostle Paul declares explicitly that God has “before ordained” the path that each of us “should walk in them.”
In the Old Testament, the Psalmist, inspired by the Holy Spirit, informs us that God knits us together in our mother’s womb and:
“My substance was not hid from thee when I was made in secret…Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect, and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them!” (Psalm 139:13-16)
Also, the prophet Isaiah declares, “the Lord that formed me from the womb to be his servant.” (Isaiah 49:5)
Taken together, these verses inform us that each of us, as human beings, is uniquely designed by God to fulfill a unique life purpose. We can teach our children, with confidence, that God does love them unconditionally, and that He has created them as the unique person each of them is. As all parents know, each of their children is different from the others and God’s Word tells us why—He created them that way.
We can help our children to embrace their uniqueness and explore why God created them as the unique person each of them is and that particular pathway that God has before ordained that each of them should follow.
Ms. Callard’s column brought back personal memories from my childhood interactions with my mother. I was raised in a devout Baptist home where my mother certainly embraced the theology I have articulated in this column. I can remember asking her when I was eleven or twelve years old, “Mom, how would you feel about me being a major league baseball player?” (I asked her this because I had a God-given ability to throw a baseball with a high velocity. When I would pitch, the sound of the ball hitting the glove would attract a crowd. As a senior in high school I suffered a permanent arm injury which eliminated that professional option.)
My mother replied, “Well, playing baseball would be all right, but I believe God planned for you to do something more important as the major thing in your life.”
When I was sixteen, I felt God calling me to full-time Christian ministry, something neither one of my parents had discussed as an option for my life. The Sunday night I announced my surrender to full-time ministry, we came home and had our traditional Sunday after-church supper of hot dogs and baked beans.
Afterward, after the table had been cleared, my mother asked me to sit down at the nerve center of our home, the kitchen table. She then informed me that she had suffered two miscarriages before she conceived me. When her obstetrician discovered she was pregnant with me, he was horrified because he had been giving her drugs based on the belief that she could not get pregnant. He was very concerned that if I made it to term, I would be terribly deformed mentally and physically.
My mother declined to terminate the pregnancy (which evidently was legal given the peculiar circumstances). Instead, she prayed for my safe delivery and asked that if that happened, God would call me to Christian ministry. She said, “So, I am not surprised by your decision tonight!”
You can imagine my surprise! I had never heard any of this before that night and until after I had come to the conclusion that God’s purpose for my life was to preach the Gospel and minister to His church.
In dealing with our children, we should tell them, “No, don’t always be yourself. Instead, accept Jesus as your Savior and say ‘Yes’ to the person He uniquely designed you to be!”
Dr. Richard Land, BA (Princeton, magna cum laude); D.Phil. (Oxford); Th.M (New Orleans Seminary). Dr. Land served as President of Southern Evangelical Seminary from July 2013 until July 2021. Upon his retirement, he was honored as President Emeritus and he continues to serve as an Adjunct Professor of Theology & Ethics. Dr. Land previously served as President of the Southern Baptist Convention's Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission (1988-2013) where he was also honored as President Emeritus upon his retirement. Dr. Land has also served as an Executive Editor and columnist for The Christian Post since 2011.
Dr. Land explores many timely and critical topics in his daily radio feature, “Bringing Every Thought Captive,” and in his weekly column for CP.
