"God, what is with me?" I cry again and again. My fiance hands me a chocolate and slowly steps away. I'm embarrassed to say God and I have exchanged in this dialogue many times before.Me crying out to him, exhausted and having my fifth meltdown of the week because my to-do list is too long with tiny tasks that feel like heavy weights on my shoulders. Something as simple as needing to fill up my car with gas puts me over the edge.
"God, what is wrong with me? Why am I so overwhelmed by the smallest of things? Why am I so exhausted?"
"Where do you find your rest?" He asked.
Such a simple question, yet I stumbled to answer. I knew what the truth was, yet I knew it was not the right answer. My relaxation methods would be along the lines of reading, Netflix, or even a good nap. Anything to shut my brain off from the stress of the day.
Yet, the question was not how do I relax or unwind, but how I find my rest. Realising that I had not been taking the time to rest with Him answered all my previous questions.
Comforts of the world
I was once doing some short term missions in the Philippines during my time in YWAM. Our group would spend our day of the week off seeking the comforts of home, hiding away in an air conditioned mall while sipping on a Starbucks.
Yet, halfway through our ministry work the following day and our eyelids were heavy and our spirits felt weak. "It must be the heat," or, "Been having a hard time sleeping," we would say to each other. Eventually, we realized it was something deeper under the surface than that.
While enjoying movie nights was plenty pleasant and relaxing, our spirits were not finding the rest that was so desperately needed.
Resting in his presence
Often, we become so caught up with the things of the world to bring us comfort and relaxation, we miss what will truly satisfy us. While there's absolutely nothing wrong with soaking in a bubble bath at the end of a long day, we need to recognise that this will not give us true rest. We become exhausted by trying to do everything on our own strength, forgetting to rely on the creator of the world for support.
I can't help but be reminded of when Jesus was in a deep sleep in a boat during a storm. While His disciples were fearing for their lives, sure they were going to drown, Jesus had faith that the Father would care for them. Somehow, I justify not being able to sleep because of stress, as though that's a valid excuse.
Here I am again, only in a fairly calm season of life with an empty schedule, feeling that same weight on my shoulders, just to have that same revelation that I've had time and again. That I have not done my due diligence to seek Him daily, to just rest in His presence each day, not necessarily to say or hear anything, but just to be.
Spending time with Him doesn't need to become another item on my full to-do list. It should be the consistent factor in my ever-changing life. Being with Him throughout my day is the only thing that will keep me from crumbling under the pressure. Leaning on Him in every situation, resting knowing that He will take care of me no matter what I face.
It has been said many times by many people, but there is nothing on this Earth that can satisfy like Jesus.