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Target's Payroll Department to Allow Cashiers to Self-Identify as CEOs

A newly constructed Target store is shown in San Diego, California, May 17, 2016. |

Target has announced that its payroll department will start allowing cashiers to self-identify as CEOs when asking for their checks.

In the latest move by the retail behemoth to put equality ahead of profits, Target's corporate leadership released a statement explaining their decision.

"In light of debates over whether or not the minimum wage should be raised to $15 an hour, we at Target feel a need to show how much we want cashiers to feel included and accepted," stated Target.

"As such, effective immediately, all Target store cashiers can pick up the paycheck amount of their choice upwards to the salary of our CEO."

Target Corp. CEO Brian Cornell
Target Corp. CEO Brian Cornell speaks during an interview on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, November 28, 2014. |

Target went on to note that executives "regularly assess the possible impact to business" and do not believe that by "treating all employees with dignity" they will "incur any harm to their profits."

This is not the first time that Target has sought to create a more welcoming environment for people regardless of their chosen or preferred identity.

Earlier this year, the retail mammoth stated that they were going to allow shoplifters to self-identify as paying customers when visiting their stores.

"In our stores, we demonstrate our commitment to an inclusive experience for employees and customers alike in many ways," supposedly stated Target.

"Therefore, we welcome shoplifting team members and guests to visit our stores in the way that best corresponds with their assumed identity."

As with earlier efforts to advance equality, Target has come under fire for its decision to allow cashiers the same monetary compensation as boss.

Straight Freddie Mercury, a libertarian social commentator who regularly appears on Fox Business Channel, denounced the company's decision.

"Why should people who work part time and do very little get as much or more than people who work harder and do a whole lot?" sniveled Discount Magnum PI.

"Whatever happened to meritocracy? Isn't America all about working harder and contributing more without the evil awful government interfering? I hope so."

The issue has also hit the campaign trail, with Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders hailing the move on the part of Target.

"It is about time that Target earned its red coloring," said Sanders, "if we cannot beat the 99 percent, we can at least join them."

Donald Trump was asked for a comment on the matter, but he failed to respond by press time due to his mouth being full of McDonald's food.

In a related story, Target's Human Resources Department's website has crashed following an intense upswing in the number of people submitting online job applications.


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