4 tips for managing holiday stress from a counselor
The “most wonderful time of the year” is, for many, among the most stressful. People are traveling, hosting parties, buying and sending gifts, planning — and communicating to people with whom their relationship may or may not be fraught.
It can also exacerbate pre-existing feelings of loneliness, loss or alienation. It can resurface trauma, strain relationships and compound the effects of seasonal affective disorder (SAD) for those who struggle with it, usually in the winter months.
But it’s OK if your holiday season doesn’t look picture perfect. It’s OK if it isn’t even particularly festive. It’s OK if you aren’t OK. Managing stress during the Christmas season is an important part of real connection and long-term emotional health.
Tip 1: Make and lovingly defend boundaries
Firstly, identify your own limits. Figure out, if you can, what stresses you the most or what triggers a strong or trauma-based emotional response. Discern and define what you can tolerate — and what you can’t.
Then communicate those boundaries clearly and charitably in advance. If there’s something you don’t want to discuss, make that clear! Share that you need to leave by a specific time. These boundaries could be new to the people around you, so advance notice often helps them as much as it helps you.
Advance preparation also helps you do the emotional work necessary for boundary creation and maintenance. Do what you can ahead of time to accept that others’ responses to your boundaries, especially if they’re new, are theirs to handle. Then stick to your word and “let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes’, and your ‘no’, ‘no’” (Matt. 5:37).
Tip 2: Manage your expectations
It’s also important to learn to separate your expectations and hopes. We often put things like hope in our family, and expect things to come up during the holiday — like Jesus. But that’s backwards!
We should place our hope in Christ and expect things from our family. We should also work to make sure our expectations are realistic.
Our hopes get dashed and feelings get hurt largely when we seek to make relationships and people fulfill or console us in ways that they can’t. It’s understandable. But it isn’t inevitable.
The thing to remember during the holidays is that God never disappoints. He never abandons us. God is the right person to put our hopes in. And He can console us even when our expectations are sorely disappointed. Hope placed in God, and not in our families, gives us the freedom to connect with our family members as they are — and not as we wish they’d be.
Tip 3: If you’re struggling, reach out to someone trusted
Suffering is hard. Suffering alone can be excruciating, adding to our trauma. Whether the emotional difficulty is short- or long-term, find someone trusted and confide in them.
Try to discern whether the person you have in mind is the appropriate confidant. Are they reputable? Do they have your best interests at heart? Do you have an emotional history with this person that might complicate their advice or your ability to trust them?
If the problem is with family, seek someone outside your family. Maybe someone at church, an old friend who can pray with you, or a licensed professional. Get it off your chest!
Tip 4: Don’t be afraid to take a moment, no matter where you are
Holiday events themselves are often difficult because we enter old and potentially quite negative social and emotional dynamics; and once there, we often have little physical space to get distance from them.
But you can make space for yourself. You can maintain control of your emotional responses. You can and you should.
So, step outside. If you can’t get outside, just stepping into the restroom can help. Take 60 seconds and use the “square breathing” method to self-regulate. Imagine a square in front of you. Breathe in to draw one side of the square and out for the next side. Repeat until you feel centered and calm.
Physical self-regulation tools can be especially important because when we get emotionally dysregulated, it’s compounded by a physical stress response. Our heart rates go up. We sweat. Our cortisol spikes.
But if you can regulate your own body, that can impact your emotional state. It can help you both be and feel in control. On a practical, physical level, hydration also helps lower your heart rate, and therefore keeps you more emotionally regulated.
You can also pre-plan before you get to the event. If you need or want to, think of a few easy social scripts to excuse yourself or deflect unwanted attention.
Most importantly, this Christmas, be gentle with yourself. And try to extend gentleness and sensitivity to those around you. Every one of us is carrying something; and many of us are carrying things we were never meant to.
Don’t give in to the temptation to rush through the season anxious, alienated or alone. Make a little time. Make a little space. Keep your eyes on Jesus and trust that He will carry you through. He is the only reason we celebrate Christmas, after all.
Phil Bradfield serves as the Director of Clinical Care at WinShape Homes.
