I had a 4-day-old baby when my marriage exploded. This is what got me through.

“There’s a man in an orange truck in the driveway,” exclaimed my son as my husband bolted out of the front door faster than the lightning that was flashing in the sky.  There I was, alone in the house with a four-day-old newborn, a toddler, and two middle school-aged children.  I found myself on “edge” as I had just returned home from the hospital with the baby just two days prior.

I’ll always remember what happened next.  After pressuring my husband to disclose the identity of the man in the orange truck, he reluctantly divulged that the man was the husband of a woman with whom he was having an affair. The man had come to our home in the middle of a torrential rainstorm to confront my husband and to tell me about the “situation.” And then, to make matters worse, my husband also disclosed he had been having other affairs throughout the course of our nearly 20-year marriage.

Shattered. Traumatized. Paralyzed. Truly, there are no human words to describe what I felt in those moments. I had never felt a pain so deep. What happened to me that evening changed my life forever and caused me to walk a path I had never anticipated. 

Perhaps you can relate to my story, whether your situation is the same or different. Pain is the commonality of all these moments of crisis, coupled with numerous other emotions as well. But let me say this — irrespective of the devastation, Jesus shows up. He will give you the strength you need in the face of insurmountable adversity. I am living proof.

So, how does a person move forward, and how does life go on after tragedy? The answer is literally one step at a time. All I knew to do was to drop to my knees and ask Jesus to help me. I had no other words, but those were the only words I needed. While there is no “magic formula” for navigating these situations, there are steps you can take that will help you find your way.

Step 1: Pray often

As I was left to single-parent four children alone, I found that I needed to pray throughout the day and night every single day. I told Jesus how I was feeling and what I needed. I told Him everything. My prayers were not “religious”; they were real. So many times the prayer was, “Jesus, help me!”

Step 2:  Trust God with it all

There is nothing too hard for the Lord.  I had plummeted from a dual-income household to a zero-income household with absolutely no clear path to provision. Remember — I had just given birth and was in no condition physically, mentally, or emotionally to work. God supplied every single need and my children and I lacked for nothing. We received so many miracles!

Step 3: Humble yourself

This step includes asking for help, and being willing to accept the help however God chooses to send it. I was directed to go to our county public aid office, so I did that. I qualified for emergency food and medical assistance, and I also qualified for the WIC (Women, Infants and Children) program for help with supplies for the baby. Humility was the key. I was (am) a well-educated person with bachelor’s and master’s degrees, so this was a new and different path for me.

Can you imagine what would have happened if I had been too proud to accept help?

Step 4: Refuse to quit

This step is really important!  Amid this huge trial were many micro-trials, too many to enumerate here. I had to make up my mind to keep pressing through this process. Don’t get me wrong! There were times I wanted to escape. I actually thought it would be better for me to go to the psych ward of the hospital so I could get some rest. I am so thankful God did not respond to this thought birthed from trauma.

Another part of refusing to quit is reading the Bible and clinging to God’s promises. His promises foster our tenacity. 

Step 5: Release your expectations

I had so many expectations that caused more pain for me. I “expected” people to help me, and many did not. I “expected” for God to fix things according to what I wanted, and thankfully He did not. I had to forgive family and friends for not being there for me as I had hoped they would see and understand my pain and dilemma, and they did not. But at the end of it all, I learned to give those expectations to God and allow Him to be the provider that He is.

Step 6: Practice thankfulness

This step was perhaps the most difficult. I had to train myself to thank God for every single blessing, small and large. I learned to thank Him for what I did have and take my focus off who and what I didn’t have. This was especially difficult when I saw people with good marriages and “happy” families. But through it all, God was faithful.

I have shared this part of my story, praying that it will help you survive and thrive whatever adversity you are facing. One of the most important things to remember is that “The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart and saves such as have a contrite spirit” (Psalms 34:18 NKJV). He will supply all your needs as he did for me, as He is no respecter of persons (Romans 2:11 NKJV). 

There is purpose in your pain, and God will take all these things and work them together for your good. I encourage you to press on, precious one. You will make it.

To read my story in its entirety, my book is available on Amazon: Soul  Survivor: Pressing Through the Process of Life Crisesby Carolyn Wagner.