Is your marriage drifting? It's very common and fixable
My husband and I made a point of going to bed together, at the same time, every night. No matter what.
Then we stopped. We allowed educational pursuits, professional priorities, and kids’ schedules to shift our normal rhythms. It felt like it made sense. It felt fine, until it didn’t.
Over time, I found myself feeling more impatient with him. I also realized I had less and less insight into and connection with my husband’s world. We’d let go of just one habit and begun to drift apart.
It’s important to understand that marital drift is common, to the point of being almost universal. I remind the couples I work with during our WinShape Marriage retreats of this common reality: Marital drift happens to nearly every marriage.
It can be sneaky. Sometimes subtle and unintended. It can be tough. Sometimes it has roots in deep emotional wounds or maladaptive patterns that have been around for a long time. But it’s also fixable — and avoidable, if you can learn to actively and sensitively cast a vision for your marriage.
The fact is that every couple could use intentional realignment, no matter how connected they feel. Intentionally and proactively casting vision is an essential part of staying aligned with each other and with God.
There are a few important signs of significant marital drift to look out for: You start feeling like roommates. You stop feeling emotionally safe with them and start withholding important parts of yourself or your emotional and intellectual life. You get more frustrated, less charitable. One or both of you feel misunderstood.
If there is emotional safety in the relationship still, build a space where you can talk. Get everything out on the table! Express your needs to each other lovingly and patiently. Try to truly hear your spouse. Figure out what caused the drift and come up with a plan to prevent it from distancing you again.
Some couples (or individuals) can get a little overwhelmed trying to organize this first conversation. That’s normal and understandable. I generally recommend taking a few practical steps to build an environment of safety and mutual trust.
Remove the element of surprise and schedule some time to connect. Tell them what the conversation will be about and make sure they don’t feel ambushed. You can even offer a preview of the discussion points you want to raise, so your spouse can prepare ahead of time.
It’s often helpful to choose a space that is historically associated with connection for you two. This could be the back patio over coffee, a favorite coffee shop, a relaxed meal, a walk through your favorite park, or during a car ride. Pick what feels most comfortable and familiar for you two specifically.
Managing expectations is also an important part of preparing. State explicitly that the first conversation doesn’t need to include solutions or a resolution. Short, focused conversations build confidence and trust for future, heavier discussions. Framing the conversation with intention and clarity helps make sure the basic goal — reconnection — stays primary, rather than letting the talks focus on what’s going wrong.
And if you try to communicate with your spouse and the effort falls flat, get a trusted third party involved! Sometimes, a lot of work needs to be done before realignment can happen. This is especially true when unresolved trauma — past or present — impacts one or both spouses. Seek out a therapist, pastor, or trusted and respected marriage mentor.
In short: Build a space where both of you can grow together, and where both of you can build the vocabulary and self-awareness necessary to do so. Maybe this is with the third party you choose. Maybe it’s at home, somewhere cozy and familiar. Maybe it’s both. But start building.
Of course, the hard but important conversation that gets you both on the same page is just the start of your journey. Preventing and counteracting marital drift is another critical component of maintaining a healthy marriage and a joyful, intimate relationship.
So, make sure you take the time to cast a vision for your marriage — now and at intentional, recurring points in the future.
Figure out your identity as a couple, together. What are you called to do in your marriage? What about in the coming six months? How do you build each other up? What do you want to accomplish in the short and long term? What is God’s will for you?
Even if it seems awkward, get out a notebook. Identify core visions and values and write them down. Return to them, over and over again. Picture your legacy, and write that down too. Return to it — either to remind yourself or to revise it as years pass.
When my husband and I recentered, we chose three words that encapsulated what we thought God wanted for us and for our marriage. They were mission words. And my husband repeated those three words to me and to himself every single day that year. I thought it was silly, at first. But it was playful. It was loving. It was powerful.
It’s never too late — or too early — to build this kind of intention and intimacy into your marriage. Take the time this year, wherever you find yourself, to re-center and re-align.
Proverbs 29:18 reminds us that, “where there is no vision, the people perish.” This verse highlights the truth that clarity and direction are essential for flourishing. Applied to marriage, this verse speaks to the gradual drift that can happen when couples stop naming shared values, dreams, and purpose.
Building and following a vision might be easier than you expect. It might be a lot harder. But it will, without a doubt, be worthwhile.
Genee Francis is the Assistant Director, Content and Programming at WinShape Marriage.
