Worst ways youth could learn about sex

The worst ways young people could possibly learn about sex are in fact their primary sources of exposure, according to a recent study by Pure Desire and Barna Group. Their peers, social media, pornography and internet research were the top four most-cited influences on American conceptions of sex and sexuality in the same report.
For Gen Z, social media was cited by nearly half as an influential force. Moms were influential for just 1 in 5 Gen Z’ers, while dads were ranked as even less influential. Even though parents have the earliest and most trusted role in a young person's life, the data shows that they play a much less significant role in the sexual education of their children. This disconnect shows the importance of equipping parents to impart the correct moral vision of sex where God created us lovingly in His image and formed our sexuality.
Pornography, social media, and internet research are all variations of the same basic hyper-sexualized and self-centered content and worldview. Our teens’ peers often absorb this and become sources of more of the same pornographic vision of sex.
But porn isn’t real sex. Porn doesn’t involve real, healthy people in loving relationships. It portrays an unrealistic and even dangerous version of sex. The vision of sexuality our kids absorb from these sources is an evil lie. But the lie seems true to apparently many young men and women.
As of 2021, more than half of college-aged women reported being choked by a sexual partner — and nearly two-thirds of that group said it happened during a first sexual encounter. One young girl, just 12 years old at the time, told the Children’s Commissioner of England Dame Rachel de Souza that her boyfriend at the time choked her during their first kiss because he had seen it in porn and thought it was normal.
Parents with a biblical understanding of sex, on the other hand, know choking isn’t normal, and shouldn’t be. They have the correct understanding of sex and sexuality — but most feel somehow under-prepared for the task, or awkward when tackling it. Most homes don’t talk about sex at all, so teens and adolescents assume they don’t have anything to say.
While this disengagement is tragically widespread, it’s not inevitable. We parents have the power to change it, starting in our own homes. Let me give one personal example.
When my son was in middle school, he came home one day and asked me what “69” meant — a term he’d heard from his friends and knew was related to sex.
At first, I wasn’t totally sure how to answer him. While it was a little awkward, I found an age-appropriate way to explain it the best I could. After that conversation, I was thankful for his decision to trust me, realizing that had I told him he was too young to know, his curiosity could have easily led him to ask Google.
I probably could have answered the question better. But our kids don’t need perfection. They need us. They need parents to signal that they are interested in talking about sex, about sexuality. They need parents who are trustworthy, parents with whom they can be vulnerable. Their curiosity can and will be satisfied by a loving conversation with a parent.
Building openness takes time. So even if your kids say they don’t want to talk about these topics, keep asking. Keep indicating that you know what’s online, that you won’t punish or shame them, and that you welcome their curiosity.
Some day they might just ask you about a sexual innuendo or joke, and you will be so glad they felt safe enough to do so.
Of course, modeling and communicating about healthy sexuality does take work. Some of that work is very difficult. Many parents today never received real guidance from their own parents when it came to sex or sexuality. Healthy sexuality wasn’t modeled for them, so they struggled to model or communicate it to their own teens.
In addition, many parents are also dealing with their own sexual struggles and history, which can make educating their children feel complicated. But educating ourselves and focusing on our own healing helps us help our children.
The Pure Desire Parent Training Course, for instance, is intended to help parents have these conversations with the teens and adolescents in their lives, knowing that parents are both completely capable of and undoubtedly called to the work.
Our children deserve to know what God’s vision for their sexuality truly is. So, start a conversation with your kids and teens now. If our heart is to help our kids — to show them we love them — then I don’t think we can do this wrong. Take the first step, any step, today. Our kids are counting on us.
Nick Stumbo is the Executive Director for Pure Desire, a sexual integrity ministry focused on equipping men, women, students, and churches with resources and structured groups to bring hope and healing from the effects of sexual brokenness, addiction, and betrayal.