5 things to know about the Caleb Flynn murder trial

2. Flynn’s messages suggest he wrestled with God over the affair

The affair lasted more than a year and a half, and messages between the two show it was strained by Flynn’s commitments as a husband and father. Throughout, Flynn indicated he knew the relationship was wrong.

“I’ve eliminated the Lord from every possible area of my life as I knew if I let Him lead, it would mean letting go of you,” Flynn wrote in one message.

As he weighed the future of their relationship, he expressed a desire to “release fully and let the Lord now take control.”

Even as he insisted he still disliked his wife, Flynn voiced doubts about continuing the relationship with Botner. He described spending a recent trip “praying and screaming out to the Lord” that he would get “mauled by a bear.”

Flynn told his mistress, “Whether you believe me or not, I’m only trying to trust the Lord and stop controlling things.”

“I can’t speak for what the Lord prompts you to do or what He speaks but this is what I know He has spoken to me,” he added. Flynn said God’s message to him was to “stop controlling things and to release and trust Him,” and admitted, “He has said that for a while and I have ignored it more than I can count.” He added, “I’m just trying to trust Jesus.”

Flynn defended going on the 15th-anniversary cruise with his wife, a source of tension with Botner, saying, “I only went because I felt the Lord asked me to stop being disobedient and trying to control things.” He apologized for the trip: “I thought the Lord would honor that, what I did, as being obedient but it has truly made things awful. I’m not blaming the Lord or anything but it has ruined everyone.”

“I need the Lord to deliver me and I need you,” he wrote.