Psychologist and family expert Dr. Kevin Leman spoke at Christ's Church of the Valley, a non-denominational megachurch in Peoria, Arizona, on sex in marriage, as part of a series that digs into what scripture has to say about "Sex, Love & Dating."
"Sex is about the quality of your entire love life, not just the alignment of your bodies," reads the book description. "So if you're willing to forge ahead for the sake of the best marriage you can imagine, this book is for you. It will expand and challenge your thinking, help you start your marriage off right, or go from humdrum to exciting if you're already married."
Some people think we shouldn't be talking about sex in the church, Dr. Leman said, and praised the church's Sr. Pastor Donald J. Wilson for starting a series on sex, love and dating. More than 22,000 people attend Christ's Church of the Valley, which was 8th on Outreach Magazines 2015's 100 American Megachurch Annual List.
Leman said sex is "God-ordained; it's God's idea," adding that "it must be God-governed."
He said he's never heard a couple say, "We have a great sex life, and we want divorce … even once."
"The pleasure that you receive in holy matrimony through sexual intercourse is God's invention," he added.
He recommended that Christians must read Proverbs 5:1-14, which is a warning against adultery, and said sex can be "very destructive." But God's laws are perfect and protect us, he added.
He read verses 15-21, which talk about the positive side of sex.
"Drink water from your own cistern, And running water from your own well," the passage reads. "Should your fountains be dispersed abroad, Streams of water in the streets? Let them be only your own, And not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love. For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, And be embraced in the arms of a seductress? For the ways of man are before the eyes of the Lord, And He ponders all his paths."
There are three C's of marriage, Dr. Leman said: covenant, connection and commitment. "You make a covenant with Almighty God; you make a covenant with your mate. You commit and connect to each other," he said.
But, "when two people marry, it's not two people… At least six… You marry your in-laws," he clarified.
He said many single women complain there are no worthy men, he said, suggesting that they look for a man who loves God, look for a man who doesn't have a temper, and look for a man who has a great relationship with his mother.
So many people marry a jerk the first time, he said, and added, a super jerk the second time.
The funniest thing God came up with was, "The two shall become one flesh," he said jokingly, explaining that men and women are so different.
He said he and his wife are also different, but that they have had a great marriage for 48 years.
Men have 33 times more sexual thoughts in a day than a woman, he said. It takes a little more than one second for a man to get aroused, he added. "Men want to have sex in the morning, women want to have sex in June," he said jokingly. Men need to feel needed or wanted.
Women, on the other hand, need affection, he said. Number two, communication.
Husbands need to pray with their wives audibly, and be the captains of their wives' hearts. They should have sex ASAP, meaning as slow as possible, he said.
If you want to have good sex, obey God's word, the psychologist told the congregation, referring to Ephesians 5:21, which says "submitting to one another."
"You have to bring God in this seemingly secular part of life," he said.
Dr. Leman then read 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, "Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
In conclusion, he stressed that a couple needs to give every part of their life and marriage to God. That's good for sex, too.