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Dying to Meet Him: I'm Dying and I Feel 'Dumb'

Dying to Meet Him: I'm Dying and I Feel 'Dumb'

Gabrielle "Elle" Devenish, a 30-year-old single Christian woman, was told by doctors that she has 6 months to a year to live.

"My heart, lungs, bones and muscles have all deteriorated beyond repair, according to doctors. My white blood cell count continues to match that of a last-stage chemo patient and my electrolytes are always on the edge."

For Elle's full Bio, click here.

Tuck Me In, God!
(Originally posted February 2, 2012) 

Though I was feeling a deep sense of loss the whole morning, grieving the things I'll never be able to do again, yesterday turned out not being a bad day at all.

All day, I was just kind of mopey about the fun things I used to do: experimenting in the kitchen for hours, traveling the world, hiking in the mountain, spending 3 hours at one of Las Vegas' luxury buffets (sampling gourmet food to my heart's delight), drinking a fine bottle of wine with a friend at one of Denver's fanciest restaurants.....

I was also very frustrated and angry with my mental decline. I used to be so intelligent and creative. Now my short-term memory is shot and I can only concentrate on something for a short period of time. I used to have a huge vocabulary and was so articulate. Now when I speak to people, I mix up words, forget words and drift off a lot. Basically, I feel dumb compared to the girl I once was.

My social worker came in the afternoon and she was able to help me pinpoint those feelings. God also convicted me of trying to wrest control from Him. Control over WHEN.

I was feeling helpless about how much longer I had to endure this slowly declining body and mind, wishing that God would just let me be with Him sooner. I'm sick of the emotional process of losing one function after another and ready to go be with Him in heaven.

But I am not in control of WHEN. Though I now know I have a short time left on this earth, I have no idea the exact length of time I will die.

I came to terms with this then, and really asked God for forgiveness for griping about this journey I have been given, however long it may be.

Later that evening, my mom and I went to a movie at the dollar theater and had dinner at one of my favorite Japanese restaurants. Although I could only eat a little bit before I was full (did I mention I never get hungry anymore?), I had all my favorites. We stopped at my favorite frozen yogurt place on the way home and got ours to go.

At home, after putting the leftovers in the fridge and the yogurt in the freezer, my mom left, intending to come back around 10 to give me my medicine and tuck me in.

But I was so incredibly tired. I watched TV for about half an hour and then just felt like sleeping. So I got ready for bed and called my mom at the hotel to come over and tuck me in.

She gave me my medicine, rubbed my back and told me a story as I drifted to sleep, just as she did when I was a child.
I was in bed at 9 and asleep by 9:30. I usually stay up until midnight, sometimes later!

I woke up this morning at 9:30 – late for me – to a new day. 12 hours of sleep! I guess my body just really needed it. Hey, Psalm 127:2 says "He gives His beloved sleep."

But as I begin this day I'm once again at peace, knowing that He has my time in His hands. He has the ultimate plan for my life – and death. All I need to know He has given me another day to seek and serve Him. And I'm ok with it.

Today's Daily Bread devotional reading says it best:

"My times are in my Father's hand;
How could I wish or ask for more?
For He who has my pathway planned
Will guide me till my journey's o'er. – Fraser"

Gabrielle “Elle” Devenish is a Christian Post reporter in Utah.


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