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Dying to Meet Him: The Spiritual Battle Inside

Dying to Meet Him: The Spiritual Battle Inside

Gabrielle "Elle" Devenish, a 30-year-old single Christian woman, was told by doctors that she has 6 months to a year to live.

 "My heart, lungs, bones and muscles have all deteriorated beyond repair, according to doctors. My white blood cell count continues to match that of a last-stage chemo patient and my electrolytes are always on the edge."

 For Elle's full Bio, click here.

The Spiritual Battle Inside
Written March 18, 2012

Lately I've seemed very mopey and less likely to turn to God but to others in my seemingly uncontrollable thoughts. A few praises, first: I can type and read and focus at certain periods of the day, I have a lot of friends praying for me, and I've gotten back in touch with old time friends.

Things seem halfway normal now – it's like the 6-12 month diagnoses is not necessary – at least to my mind. Of course, to everyone else it is.

But that sneaky old foe, anorexia, continues to plague me, not in food so much as in depression, self-centeredness, controlling behavior and lying.

The lying – it's just about little stuff, usually little things to get people to feel sorry for me or whatever. The self-centeredness: I've noticed my prayers turning to me me me (Take me to heaven NOW Lord) and less and less on others. So yes, I'm asking for all your prayers, but I want to know your requests in return, so that I can pray for you.

I want to be controlling, to know exactly when He'll take me, but why should I be any different. No one knows their exact hour or day. I feel like I wrestle with God every night – God just take me NOW – but that's a sin. I cannot tell Him what to do.

All I can do is live in faith from what I've been told, continuing to do His will as He keeps me here. I need to turn the switch from grumbling to glorifying.

And besides, Jesus is with me every day. I see him in every tree blossoming, every grand shadow the mountains cast. He is with me, I am just not yet with Him.

If anyone reads this blog regularly, I would ask you just this. Pray that my grumbling turns to glorifying, my idle self-pity into doing work for Him. That's the reason I'm bummed. I haven't been fulfilling my purpose.

Support Elle Devenish here

Check back with CP soon for more updates on Elle's condition in "Dying to Meet Him."

Gabrielle “Elle” Devenish is a Christian Post reporter in Utah.


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