7 Keys to Great Sex in Marriage

Craig and Jeanette Gross talk about sex in the “Best Sex Life Now” series.
Craig and Jeanette Gross talk about sex in the “Best Sex Life Now” series. | (

My wife Jeanette and I and our friends Dave and Ashley Willis put together a video series called "Best Sex Life Now."


Because after 16 years of marriage, I'm more passionate about this than ever: married folks need to be having sex... and great sex at that!

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Pastor Craig Gross of
Pastor Craig Gross of | (Photo: Facebook/Craig Gross)

So here are seven keys to help you unlock that great sex life.

#1 Twice a week.

Practice makes perfect. Sure, sex is a great chance to have an orgasm, but more than that, sex connects you and brings you closer. You won't have great sex the first time and you probably won't have great sex the first year of marriage every time. I have been married 16 years now and I can honestly say it gets better and better. The more comfortable you are with your spouse (and with your own bodies), the more in love you grow with each other. But, you have to work at it and this can only happen when you are having sex. I recommend twice a week AT A MINIMUM. The more the merrier, but one way to have great sex in marriage is to have sex often. If this is not a priority in your marriage make it one.

#2 The other person comes first.

I can cut to the chase on this one and just say make your spouse cum first and leave it at that. I am not trying to be tasteless here – I'm being honest! Look, porn has taught so many people what they like (or so they think) and how they like it, and a lot of people approach sex in marriage with this selfish attitude. You want to have great sex in marriage? Then remember your partner and their needs and their likes. Make it a point to serve your spouse in this way. Let's be honest, not every girl likes it from behind as much as men do, so men, make sure your wife is taken care of not just you.

#3 Start early and keep the lights on.

This is a 2 for 1. Maybe one for the guys and one for the girls. Guys, don't just touch your wife when you want sex. Be affectionate and start earlier in the day. Kiss, hug, gross out your kids, and then don't wait till right before bed to have sex. Tired sex is not great sex. Turn off Modern Family or CSI or Sportscenter and get to it. Women, remember men are visual as well; both you and your husband need to feel comfortable when having sex but if you can be comfortable with the lights on, then great sex happens.

#4 Husbands initiate.

I just saved so many of you couples a ton of hours of fighting and angry nights. I don't know how many couples I talk to who argue over and over and over about this one. "My wife doesn't initiate sex enough." So, then that leads men to play games. "I wonder how many days I can go without having sex to see if she will ask for it." Dumb. Don't play games like this. I'm not trying to be a sexist here, nor am I saying women can't initiate sex (I sure don't complain anytime my wife initiates). What I am saying is: just take it off the table and initiate as often as you need to.

#5 NO More Excuses.

It hurts. He snores so we don't sleep in the same room. We have a young baby in our bed. I'm uncomfortable with my body. I have a disturbing or painful sexual past.

Please hear me on this: I'm not trying to make light of all these situations, but some of them can be serious. Even so, sex is so important to your relationship that you must work like crazy to work through these issues in your marriage so you can have great sex. You might need to go to counseling to work through your past, you might need to hit the gym so you feel better about your body, you might need to get some of those strips to go over your nose and prevent you from snoring. Whatever your situation is, I seriously am tired of hearing excuses on why you are not having sex.

Start having sex. In order to start having sex you need to work through your junk. Today. Attack this stuff so it doesn't keep you out of the bedroom any longer.

#6 Connect in and out of Bed.

You and you spouse need to be partners. You need to be best friends. You need to enjoy each other as people and be connected emotionally. Without that, then your sex life is just going to be strictly physical and won't be great. You want to have great sex? Be best friends. Care for each other, serve each other and be connected.

#7 Hotel Sex.

I travel a lot and just trust me on this one. There are no Bible verses to back this up, but I have 16 years and a wife who would agree. Get out of your house sometimes, go vacation in Hawaii or just get a hotel room in the city next to yours. Whatever you do – just get away occasionally and enjoy something new. Hotel sex is some of the best.

Hope this helps.

PS. I gave Jeanette (my wife) the blog to read and she thought it would be important to mention WHY having sex is important and needed in your relationship. I made a list and shared that in this post. Trust me, you and your spouse need to be having sex otherwise you are just roommates.

Originally posted at

Craig Gross is a pastor and the founder of He is the author of several books, including Through a Man's Eyes.

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