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PETA Creates New Department to Combat 'Animal-on-Animal' Violence

Animals Ride Other Animals

The nation's most outspoken and flamboyant animal rights group has announced that it is creating a new division to combat what it describe as "animal-on-animal" violence.

Adorned with lettuce bras, spokeswomen for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals recently told the press that they need to expand their agenda.

"We recently sat down for our monthly 'Talk and Tofurkey' gathering to discuss how we could better help serve the cause of animal rights," spoke one PETA woman as male reporters kept wondering how long the romaine was going to stay in place.

"Then we realize that all this time our agenda has been far too limited, having centered only on times when humans brutalize poor helpless animals. What about those many times when animals have brutalized poor helpless animals???"

Little Lion
Cover for the "Little Lion's Bible" by PJ Lyons. |

Another spokesperson, who was wise enough to put a real bra underneath her considerably more edible one, stressed the point about "moral equivalency."

"Think about it … what's the real difference between a human eating a deer and a lion, tiger, or bear, oh my, eating a deer? Not much," she stated.

"We need to realize that if we want to protect animals on the farm, the city, and the home, we need to also with equal intensity protect the animals of the rain forest, the Serengeti, and the plains."

According to a PETA press release, the new anti-animal-on-animal violence department will consist of about a dozen members with a chairman and vice chairman.

To help spread awareness of their efforts to the correct target audience, the department will design and post numerous ads in the middle of nature preserves and wildlife refuges educating carnivores to cease their eating of other animals.

Preliminary designs for the ads will show cartoon images of lions and deer peacefully holding paws or happily drinking water together at the nearest pond.

As the department grows, they hope to have volunteers go out into the field and form protective circles around antelope, caribou, and other herds of herbivores so that predators cannot strike.

"I think with enough education and on-the-ground awareness, we can convince lions and cheetahs and other meat-eating beasts to reform their ways," said a PETA spokesperson, oblivious to the fact that the romaine slipped off.

"And with that, we hope to set an example not just for animals, but for human beings, that it is unnatural to eat meat. Ever. At all. Why is everyone taking so many photos?"

WARNING: THE ARTICLE ABOVE IS A WORK OF SATIRE. PLEASE SHARE RESPONIBLY.

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