When I wasn’t on speaking terms with God
My heart was heavy as I pulled up to the church on a cold December night in Texas. Our annual Night of Hope was finally here, an event the congregation was looking forward to, and I had no hope at all.
Just two months earlier, my sister, Kay—my friend and closest confidant—went home to be with the Lord. Several of our family members, myself included, had spent her last days on this earth by her side at her home in North Carolina. We were blessed to keep her with us two years longer than her initial 6-month cancer prognosis. We thanked God every day for the miracle of life! But nevertheless, watching her slow decline and eventual death stayed with me in ways unimaginable. I tried my best to stay afloat as constant waves of grief crashed against my heart and drowned my mind day after day. It was especially painful on a night that was dedicated to the promise of hope and possibilities.
Not only was losing Kay difficult to deal with emotionally, it also profoundly tested my faith. I found myself having downward spiraling thoughts and even at times audible conversations with God that I never imagined I would have. I remember getting ready that night and explicitly having an all-out disagreement with God: “You know I’m not a faker, and I’m not sure that I can continue to tell people you are who I’ve always told them you are. How can I continue to tell them you are a healer? How can I tell them that you answer prayer? How can I ever again chime in with everyone when they say, ‘God is good all the time, and all the time God is good’... How?”
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To this day I find it hard to articulate the level of anxiety and internal conflict I wrestled with as I made my way to the stage that night. Fighting back tears, I declared that no matter what I was feeling or facing, I would let NOTHING come between me and the LOVE that God and I had shared for years! I echoed Romans 8:35: “Death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any creature, shall be able to separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus.”
As I finished that night, something in me changed. I felt a confidence in God that overpowered my doubt and fear. I was convinced more than ever that He was my God and I was His child. My hurt was still real, but my God was more real. I learned so much out of this entire process and although I miss Kay every day, I’m better as a result of my experiences.
Fluctuations of Faith
If you find yourself at a crossroads in life, I want you to know that the fluctuations of your faith do not equate to the absence of your faith. Faith is in some ways like the stock market: Some days it’s high, and others it crashes down. I used to believe that something was wrong with me when I struggled with my faith. But the longer I walk with God, the more I know that the fluctuations of faith keep me balanced.
There’s something about our “faith-muscle” that grows when we don’t feel like growing, but we press on to do so anyway. Don’t be afraid to embrace low moments in faith. It’s ok to ask God questions when the purpose of asking them is to better understand him. Your questioning actually acknowledges your belief in Him. You wouldn’t question something you didn’t believe existed!
What you say matters
In hindsight, I can clearly see that doubt and discouragement put on boxing gloves to bully my faith in one of its lowest moments. I was very honest with my congregation that I wasn’t sure if God and I were on speaking terms (yes, I actually said that!), but I knew that by me uttering the words “I’ll let nothing separate me from the love of God” bolstered my spirit. Speaking the truth of God’s Word became my weapon of choice when my faith was at an all-time low. When you don’t know what to say, speak his Word. Talk back to doubt. Talk back to fear. NEVER, ever, ever, allow fear to have the last word! The lesson I learned through this very painful season I found myself in was that it was ok to be honest with God.
Always see the bigger picture
I can’t tell you how many people who were either there that night or watched on social media sent me messages thanking me for my honesty. Something about seeing me be real about my faith fight made others feel like they could be real too. It also taught me a great deal about the importance of sharing your story. Ask God to show you the right people with whom to share your own story.
As a result of Kay’s passing, I spent some time with a licensed grief counselor. They helped me to process a lot of what I was feeling. They normalized that we all experience grief and when we process it the right way, there is healing on the other side. I established “Kay’s Way Grief and Loss Support Groups” as part of my own healing and helped hundreds of people attend, graduate, and grow through the most painful losses in their lives.
Even when you’re not speaking, He is speaking to you
Even in those times when you find yourself not sure if YOU are on speaking terms with God, trust me He is ALWAYS on speaking terms with you. God can and will talk to you through whatever you may be facing in life. He is the ultimate communicator. Unlike us, he’s never at a loss for words.
We serve a speaking God. He can speak through anything and everything. He speaks through his creation, he speaks through his voice and he speaks through his Word, which is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.
His Word illuminates where we should put our feet next with assurance and confidence. When we make the investment to listen, God will make the investment to speak.
Never panic in those times when it feels as though God is silent. When you can’t hear his voice, look to what he has written in his Word.
Sheryl Brady serves as the pastor of The Potter's House of North Dallas and the author of the forthcoming book, Don’t Miss the Moment, How God Uses the Insignificant to Create the Extraordinary [Thomas Nelson, March 17, 2020].
