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Mainline Church to Apologize for Once Spreading Christianity


A mainline church has adopted a resolution to officially apologize for having once been complicit in spreading Christianity.

All Faiths Episcopal Church unanimously approved the petition, titled "We're Sorry We Ever Told You About Jesus" resolution.

The apology centers on the many awful things the Church has done by advancing Christianity and how said advancements continue to negatively impact the broader community.

"By once evangelizing this area of the world, our church fore-parents did inexcusably bigoted things like forgive each other, stop sacrificing human beings, ban slavery, build hospitals and found soup-kitchens. All in the name of a patriarchal heteronormative god or goddess," reads the resolution.

Church Pews
Church Pews

"We can think of no greater evil than telling people there's such a thing as good and evil, right and wrong, and having people go to Heaven. For all of this, we deeply apologize."

All Faiths also further resolved that they would do "everything in our immediate power" to "inhibit the spread of Christianity in our community."

While not specifically mentioned in the resolution, this is expected to include trolling evangelicals online and throwing rotten tomatoes at the nearest preacher.

All Faiths is also expected to approve a corollary to the resolution for the creation of weekly Bible and apologetics book burnings called "Flaming Rainbow Soirees."

"The worst day of my life was when my alcoholic grandfather became a Christian and started contributing positively to society," noted one All Faiths member.

"We were never the same when he set up that home for recovering alcoholics. And if burning my copy of the Purpose Driven Life can help erase this history of shame, then so be it!"

This is not the first time that All Faiths has taken measures to distance themselves from Christianity. Earlier this year church leadership voted to ban the words of Jesus due to their exclusionary nature.

"We believe that god or goddess can be expressed in many ways, thousands in fact, all of which are acceptable," stated All Faiths' Church Council back in May.

"However we cannot accept the blatant patriarchal and exclusive language expressed in the sentiments of Jesus Christ as recorded in the New Testament."

News of the apology has hit many other churches in the neighborhood. A fundamentalist pastor whose church is a few blocks away sighed and did a face-palm.

"And people wonder why so many of us think they're not saved," he commented as he shook his head in utter disgust.

A Presbyterian Church (USA) leader initially responded the same, but then changed his tune about the idea of apologizing for Christian evangelism.

"Actually, you know what," he thought. "Since we're already apologizing for ever condemning homosexuality, might as well add that to the list."

A local United Methodist Church pastor was asked for a comment, but he declined to provide one for fear that it could lead to schism within the denomination.

"It is important to note," stressed the UMC pastor, "that United Methodists are not of one mind when it comes to whether or not Christianity is a good thing."


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