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Obama to Healthcare Summit: 'Illness Doesn't Happen Outside of the US'

Barack Obama
U.S. President Barack Obama decries the arguments of his opponents as he delivers remarks on a nuclear deal with Iran at American University in Washington August 5, 2015. Obama, defending the Iranian nuclear deal against critics, said on Wednesday that Iran will be caught if it tries to cheat and build a nuclear weapon. Opponents of the deal have raised concerns that international inspectors would not have unfettered access in Iran under the deal. |

President Barack Obama has declared at a healthcare summit overseas that the United States of America is the sole sufferer of sicknesses.

Speaking to a group of people gathered in China, President Obama expressed his frustration at the presence of mass illness in the United States, especially in light of challenges to his healthcare law.

"The ongoing and constant legal and political attacks on America's healthcare system are absurd, ridiculous, and counterproductive," declared Obama as he continued to read the teleprompter.

Before a group of Chinese citizens still wearing protective masks due to the most recent Avian flu outbreak, Obama went on to say that illness was a distinctly American problem.

"Illness doesn't happen outside of the U.S.," he declared while pounding his fist on the podium, which accidentally caused the U.S. seal to come loose and fall to the ground.

"I say this every time we've got one of these waves of head colds and chicken pox in America. This just doesn't happen in other countries."

When a reporter from the gaggle asked Obama about the Bubonic Plaque, the Commander in Chief brushed off the critical query.

"Now, now, now, now, let me be clear. I am not saying that everyone who gets a disease is in the United States," countered Obama.

"Some Americans, get sick, overseas. Obviously some people can get sick in other countries. But we don't see illnesses like the ones in the United States elsewhere in the world."

Obama also was quick to lecture healthy Americans, telling them to "get off their high horse" since there were times when they were also sick.

Obama's comments came as he was part of the summit titled World Healthiness and Climate Change Impact, which involved a gathering of world leaders trying to argue that Global Warming was more threatening to people than getting sick.

While focused on the intersection of environmentalism and health, Obama did take questions on a myriad of issues, arguing that other problems were only found in America.

Among these problems, included but not exclusive, were cyberbullying, Black Friday fights, racism, bad sports teams, and mass shootings.

Republican presidential hopefuls were quick to respond to the President's claim, taking surprisingly diverse viewpoints on his assessment.

Billionaire frontrunner Donald Trump actually agreed with the president, and argued that when he's elected president all sick people will be deported.

"I want to make American healthy again!" declared the real estate mogul. "We will kick these people out and then build a wall made completely of white blood cells to keep them out!"

Trump went on to promise voters that if elected president he will make them so healthy, that they will become bored of being healthy.

Dr. Ben Carson, another GOP hopeful with high polling, acknowledged that there were many people in America who were sick, but also argued that many of these illnesses came from Egypt.

"Our major problem," said Carson, never once opening his eyes as he spoke, "is that we have imported too much of the grain that was once stored in the Great Pyramids."

"That grain caused us to get very sick. If we would simply all charge at the poisoned grain, surely we can stop it before it makes anyone else sick."

Rick Santorum, Lindsey Graham, and Mike Huckabee all also had opinions on the matter, but their poll numbers aren't good enough for them to be included.


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