Why great marriages never stop dating

Great marriages don’t just happen. They also can’t be meaningfully supported by the occasional grand romantic gesture – even a gesture on Valentine’s Day – if the relationship isn’t nurtured throughout the rest of the year. 

I encourage the couples I work with to ask themselves why they dated before they got married. They wanted to get to know each other! They wanted to signal to the other person that they were interested, invested and seeking to grow closer. 

None of that stops when you get married. That’s why I encourage every couple to continue dating after they get married — or to resume the practice, no matter how long it’s been since they last dated! 

Real romance is about the quality of the relationship itself. Our culture would say romance is candles and roses and violins and an ocean view — all the trappings. But if you’re not with someone you’re actually interested in, none of that is romantic. 

Yet you could be sitting in the car in a supermarket parking lot, waiting out the pouring rain, and if you’re fascinated with that person it could very well be the most romantic moment of your life. 

Romance is about being fascinated by your partner. It’s about tuning in, investing, paying attention. And dating your spouse communicates a sense of intentional re-investment and prioritization that will help sustain a healthy, joyful marriage.

Dating communicates priority. It says your spouse is not just a partner in logistics, but a person you actively cherish. It signals, “I’m not coasting. I’m choosing you again.” It also lets you continue to learn who they are. People grow and change over time. Dating creates space to rediscover each other — dreams, fears, new interests — instead of drifting into parallel lives. 

It’s also an act of curiosity and pursuit. Dating embodies the belief that marriage isn’t a static commitment, but a living relationship. It brings joy back into the center, deepens intimacy, and prevents the slow relational drift that takes so many couples by surprise.

Couples who connect regularly show more patience, warmth, and teamwork in parenting. Dating models something vital for kids: that marriage is a relationship worth tending, not an afterthought to raising them. A healthy “us” is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children.

If you aren’t sure where to start, I usually suggest following some guidelines as you try to start dating again. 

1. Start small — 60 minutes is enough

Many couples imagine a date has to be a whole evening with reservations. Start with one protected hour: a walk, coffee, shared dessert, sitting on the porch. Small consistency beats big sporadic efforts.

2. Put one “non-negotiable connection point” on the calendar

A weekly or bi-weekly standing date (even at home) removes the mental burden of planning each time. What’s on the calendar gets honored. Make it predictable: Friday lunch, Sunday evening walk, Saturday morning coffee.

3. Make it doable, not dramatic

Dates don’t need to be expensive, Instagram-worthy, or gourmet. Simple beats elaborate because simple dates can happen even in the busiest seasons! Go for a drive. Split an appetizer. Try a new trail, browse a bookstore, sit outside after the kids go to bed. The goal is connection, not performance.

4. Remove technology for the time you’re together

Even a 30–60 minute “no-phone zone” changes the depth of connection. Presence is the new romance.

5. Alternate who plans the date

This keeps things fresh and balances emotional labor. One week you choose, next week your spouse chooses. Surprises stay small but meaningful.

6. Re-learn how to talk about life, not just logistics 

Use one of these go-to connection prompts: “What’s been giving you life lately?” “Where have you felt stressed?” “What are you looking forward to in the next few months?” “Is there anything I can carry with you right now?” These open hearts and help you connect on a deeper level.

7. Ask for help if you need it

For parents, practical help matters. Swap childcare with another couple. Ask your family to cover two hours. Use a sitter for shorter blocks, if needed. Prioritizing your marriage isn’t selfish — it’s foundational. It’s a gift to kids when parents connect.

8. Create a simple ritual you repeat

Rituals remove pressure and create continuity. Consider trying things like weekly ice cream, evening patio time, a Saturday morning walk or even “10 minutes on the couch” after the kids go down. These become anchors.

9. Give yourselves permission to be rusty

I tell couples it’s normal if the first few dates feel awkward, tired, or overly practical. Restarting connection is like warming up old embers — slow at first, then surprising warmth.

10. Focus on progress, not perfection

If you miss a week, begin again. The goal is not perfect consistency but a posture of ongoing pursuit.

Wherever you’re starting today — and however you choose to do so — I’d encourage you to date your spouse ‘til death do you part. 

Take the time now to build a great marriage that will carry you both through years of joy, sorrow, work and rest — together.